amw (amw) wrote,

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I'm falling into that chaotic mélange where i have a million things to write about, but today i'm going to write about gender again.

At home i tend to wear jeans and go topless, except when it is cold or when we have company, in which case i put on a tank top or hoodie. I don't bother getting changed to go to the corner store or do the laundry. Even going down to the grocery store i don't usually bother with anything more - i get "sir"ed, but whatever. But when i go downtown, or anywhere i know i'm going to interact with someone more than a clerk, i put on a bra. It's the bra that makes the difference for me - if i have boobs i'm a chick, if i don't i'm a dude. That's probably why i idly considered getting a boob job for so long... Make-up seals the deal, but i reserve that for work or special occasions.

Yesterday it was raining and i was feeling a bit blah anyway, so i just stayed in my hoodie and went out to watch Alice In Wonderland. The theater was ridiculously packed, so as i walked down the aisles i had to yell out asking for a spot here and there. Eventually a guy ushered me in next to him and we got to chatting. I suspected he was gay and hitting on me, though it occurred to me later he might just have been nervously effeminate. I did feel a bit like i was in a Woody Allen movie with the way our conversation stumbled about so verbosely. When i referred to "my partner" he and his (female) friend immediately assumed J was a guy. And it all came flooding back - how i used to get mistaken for a gay guy over and over again...

That's fucking crushing when you're a 17-year-old straight boy, you know. Maybe flattering the first time, but it gets old real fast. At the time being thought of as gay terrified me and left me with the sense that no girl would ever want me. I couldn't get why even "alternative" chicks would read me as gay-but-hasn't-quite-figured-it-out-yet. Maybe i was too pretty, or too quietly-spoken, or not athletic enough, or interested in too many quirky things, or fuck, i don't know. It really bothered me. Life did seem like it'd be easier if i were a girl.

Of course the ridiculous thing is that by changing my sex i actually became gay. Becoming a member of the queer community implicitly conquered my fear of being seen that way. I got exposed to a whole spectrum of sexual and gender expression that if i'd been involved with longer i might have found a better place to fit than as a male-to-female transsexual. You know everyone likes to kid around about those self-proclaimed straight guys who come out to gay clubs, talk about how they're in denial, but you know i can see it. That could've been me. Actually it kinda was for most of 1999. But by then it was too late because my mind was already made up.

I guess right now i just have to define my own gender space to live in. Can i stay hormonally and physically (more or less) female but withdraw from being always seen as a woman? I don't care about pronouns any more; that's something that happened by surprise over the last few years. If people ask i'll say female, but if they don't then i won't bother correcting them. I guess there are a bunch of non-op female-to-male transsexuals who end up in a similar space.

I just want to not have to live up to this gender ideal that even as a fucking lesbian i feel like i have to. Yeah, but i like shaving my legs, so what? I like make-up. I like cute panties with cartoon characters on them. I do not like bras, or pretty much any other women's clothes. I do not like talking about pregnancy or periods. I definitely do not like being called daughter or sister or wife. If we had ladyboy restrooms in Canada they're the ones i'd want to use. I don't feel like a boy or a girl any more, i just feel like me, but how do i "come out" as just me? Do i even have to?
Tags: gender

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