amw (amw) wrote,

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o no, spoilers!

I love Ugly Betty. I think it's been my favorite show since it first aired. It takes all kinds of things i love in life and tweaks them to the boldest and brightest extremes. The art direction is so pretty it reminds me of how i can see the world when i am in my nuttier moods, where even the simplest things hold some secret delight. The whole show is filled with over-the-top glamor and intrigue and fashion and comedy and romance and it just fucking rocks, it really does. I was sad when i heard it was being canceled, but hey, just a TV show, right?

Sure, but it's one that really touches me from time to time. There have been a lot of themes that resonate with me, but one that really took me by surprise was last night's episode. All through the show one of the characters (a teenage boy) has been indefatigably swishy and throughly endearing. As viewers we joined the other characters in assuming he was gay and leaving him free to come out in his own time. In a recent plot twist he revealed he was attracted to a girl in his class, which left everyone around him a little surprised. Of course last night in a bit of a cliffhanger it was hinted at that perhaps he might actually be as gay as everyone thought... The big scene had me in tears. The actor completely nailed that look of stunned confusion, realization and acceptance (or not?). With the colors and lighting and music it was just perfect. Yeah, i'm really going to miss it.

Perhaps i'm particularly sensitive to that theme right now because i am digging into memories of my own teenage years. A couple months ago saruryujin posted some fascinating article excerpts about growing up as an effeminate boy and they fucking killed me to read. I kind of filed it away to look into later because it hurt too much to think about. It keeps building, though; the universe continues to put these things in front of me because i need to deal with them. I keep getting frustrated with myself that i'm not writing music or i'm not working in the career i want or not making the most productive use of my time... But it occurred to me the other day that all these little jabs life is throwing at me are wake-up calls to deal with my fucking shit. Turtling up to hide from those issues is probably what's keeping me blocked from really flourishing in other parts of my life too. Instead of getting angry at myself i need to let me feel myself. Let that fucking kid cry, man. I dunno.

Is it lame to still not have your shit together at 30?
Tags: crazy, gender

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