amw (amw) wrote,

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happy fucking equinox

I've been an odd mess the last couple months. Since February i've been wavering in and out of a pretty bleak depression. It's not particularly dark, and it's not completely debilitating, but it's very fucking frustrating. I'm fulfilling all of my commitments, but not pushing any further. This week i was in the gym fives times, i went to school, i even did some work, but i feel i was lazy. It's been extremely difficult to motivate myself to do the work i'm contracted to do, and i'm losing hours and hours just mindless clicking around on the internet without any particular goal. I'm always tired, but i'm still only sleeping 5 or 6 hours a night. I'm eating well and doing affirmations and giving myself little gifts and starting off things that are fun, but when it's over my brain just dies again. It's a spiral because then i get annoyed at myself instead of just accepting it's where i'm at right now.

Friday i went to the gallery opening of a friend of mine. I've been to a few gallery openings in my time - usually to meet hipster friends who would trawl any openings for free drinks, though once because a friend was exhibiting one of his pieces. This time my friend had half the gallery. I really enjoyed seeing her artwork; it was beautiful and confronting and inspiring and it really got me thinking. It was also cool to be able to talk about her motivations and the meaning behind it all... But as more people filtered in i started feeling really small. I became very conscious of how little i know about fine art, and all the chatter of the arty types around me distracted me and made me feel awkward. I started feeling dizzy and getting an anxiety attack, which - after wandering aimlessly across town and ending up in the projects - i realized might have just been low blood sugar. I got a Vietnamese sandwich and then i felt okay again. It was such a weird rush of emotion because it was all highs and lows and fear and wonder all rolled up and spat out. I wasn't sure if i'd had a good day or a bad day by the end of it, and that pretty much sums up my whole life at the moment.

I haven't been sleeping very well. Last night i finally slept for 9 hours straight, but i had very colorful and detailed dreams. I always wake up feeling disoriented after dreams that vivid, like i can't tell what's real any more. Whatever. I managed to get my shit together again to be that happy perky girl i need to be when i coach the women on Sundays. It was a great class today, and i finally followed my gut and swapped numbers with one of the women who is going through some serious emotional shit right now. It just felt like the right thing to do. I can't keep isolating myself. I've been so loathe to get close to people who might be going through something i identify too closely with, like it'll pull me back... but it might actually be good to have friends who actually get where i'm coming from once in a while. We'll see.

Heh, speaking of getting close to people... Earlier in the week i got in the ring with one of the few girls at the gym who is around my height and weight. She beat the shit out of me. Everyone thought i was nuts for going in with her because she was going all out in preparation for her fight this weekend, but my coach said i looked pretty good, in spite of catching a few very hard knocks in the face. One of my biggest problems is i don't hit back. I throw a punch here, a punch there, but i never let loose. I'm too scared of going crazy and really hurting the other person. Sometimes i do it a little on the bags, but against someone i know and train with? That's hard for me, to switch over and just trust that she's going to be tough enough to take it. It's like... that little dark part of me i keep on keeping inside, even in places where it's safe to let out. It terrifies me to let it out, but that's another mental block i need to get over. Things like this are why boxing is good for me.

I think i need to start meditating again. Something. I need to do something. Everything is murky right now, like i'm not really present in my life. It doesn't help i'm on my new medication which is a higher dose, different chemical makeup and liquid capsule instead of tablet. I am quite sure it is affecting me differently. I'm so lethargic. Wah wah wah poor me. Time to go make dinner.
Tags: crazy, movement

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