awakeSo i just failed to complete a coding test for that job i really want. I'm pretty much on the final shortlist, and the next stage means talking to one of their technical advisers. Unfortunately he's a post-grad mathematician and set me this fucked up calculus test, something to do with finding the greatest sequential difference in a random sequence of numbers. I know it all has something to do with O(n) and O(log n) and all kinds of bullshit that i don't fucking care about and failed horribly at university. I have done some pretty complex high-performance coding in my career and i have never needed to know this sort of stuff. After failing the test horribly i wrote as much to the guy. Hopefully i'll get to talk to him about it tonight. Fuck it. If i lose this job because i don't know calculus then they deserve the fucking math nerd they'll undoubtedly end up with, and he'll probably be a shitty programmer to boot.
Last week my therapist asked me if it had ever occurred to me that some of my issues with feeling rejected or offended when people don't put me top of the list (in relationships and in my career) could be the result of grandiosity. Har. My eyebrows shot up like they did with that whole double-murder-suicide thing 8 years ago. Because you know, it's their job to see crazy so they'll even see it when it isn't there, right? The thing is she's never really directly mentioned anything regarding my bipolar before, almost like it it doesn't exist. We're working on accepting issues from my past and dealing with anxiety, mainly. But the last two weeks? Since i started on my new meds... Today she said i should call my psychiatrist and try see if i could get an earlier appointment. Is she seeing something i'm not? I know my attention span has dropped to pretty much zero lately, motivation is out the window and i am spending most of my days chasing wild thoughts that don't lead anywhere. It didn't feel any different to normal. Ugh.
Maybe it didn't help i visited a psych unit yesterday for the first time in ... a long ass time. There are lots of little triggers. Sometimes i like to think triggers aren't real... like it's just all in my head... but of course... it is in my head, that's the whole point. So, yeah, i had something smart to say but now i don't.
Just forget these therapists, waste of time and money in my opinion, find or better create your own philosophy or pantheon if needed but please understand psychoanalysis is not a science
I'm not sure it really matters to me how scientific psychotherapy is. I find the time useful to reflect on myself without having to feel self-absorbed like i would if i leaned on my friends all the time. For me, talking to a good shrink is just a way to help me see a line in all the chaos that is swirling.
Psychiatric medicine, though... that's a much grayer area. I keep questioning it myself. I just have to trust that what works is whatever works.