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recording for posterity
singapore sunset
There is a place that i go sometimes... You know how life goes up and down and your moods shift all the time? This place, it's like a really narrow band at the top of that wave, a band that i've peaked into in the past but unless i'm there again i don't remember what it was like the last time. And then when i'm back there's a strange and overpowering sense of nostalgia... Not loss, mind you, but a giddy elation at this unexpected homecoming. It's like what happened in between never happened, like my life has just been on this path that leapt instantaneously from one visit to the next. I think that's why i get so irritable... When people or events that aren't a part of this life come knocking, demanding things that don't belong in my world right now. It's a bit like getting high. Actually... it's a lot like getting high, in some ways. I can't make sense of ... the other state any more, like it feels incomprehensible. Sometimes it's hard to understand how i got from there to here; it was a whole nother person.

The odd thing now is that the transitions are over the course of the day, perhaps in time with my medication. So i know it's "working" insofar as i know no one from that world wants me to be in this one, and half my day i'm not... But the other half i still am and i don't want to go back there.

This is extremely difficult to explain because in my head i keep traveling horizontally but somewhere inside i know i need to look up and down to keep it together. It's like... Doom. Yeah. It's like i'm the Doomguy and i know the demons are there because they're scratching me, but i can't see them. I guess it's better than being the Wolfenstein guy, then i'd just black out a lot. Holes... my life has holes...

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heh i believe it's called hyponmania, it's the first twinges where it's all nifty and often productive. If you are kind of rapid cycling a little bit it could be happening daily as you adjust to the medication. Or maybe not. It doesn't really matter does it?

I guess it is kind of hypomanic, but it's a bit different too. It's less present in the now and more out there somewhere. I was trying to explain it to my therapist yesterday and i thought i'd write it down, but reading it back now it just sounds freakin wacky. I'm trying to take care, i am i am. Just need to be wary of those moments when it seems like there's no point in bothering to hold on, that's what left me in hospital last week..

The doc said today he didn't think it was rapid cycling, just a long and fucked up mixed state (he didn't use those exact words heh). He's put me on extended release now, and a higher dose. Six days of meds was $40 so this shit better work.

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