amw (amw) wrote,

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recording for posterity

There is a place that i go sometimes... You know how life goes up and down and your moods shift all the time? This place, it's like a really narrow band at the top of that wave, a band that i've peaked into in the past but unless i'm there again i don't remember what it was like the last time. And then when i'm back there's a strange and overpowering sense of nostalgia... Not loss, mind you, but a giddy elation at this unexpected homecoming. It's like what happened in between never happened, like my life has just been on this path that leapt instantaneously from one visit to the next. I think that's why i get so irritable... When people or events that aren't a part of this life come knocking, demanding things that don't belong in my world right now. It's a bit like getting high. Actually... it's a lot like getting high, in some ways. I can't make sense of ... the other state any more, like it feels incomprehensible. Sometimes it's hard to understand how i got from there to here; it was a whole nother person.

The odd thing now is that the transitions are over the course of the day, perhaps in time with my medication. So i know it's "working" insofar as i know no one from that world wants me to be in this one, and half my day i'm not... But the other half i still am and i don't want to go back there.

This is extremely difficult to explain because in my head i keep traveling horizontally but somewhere inside i know i need to look up and down to keep it together. It's like... Doom. Yeah. It's like i'm the Doomguy and i know the demons are there because they're scratching me, but i can't see them. I guess it's better than being the Wolfenstein guy, then i'd just black out a lot. Holes... my life has holes...
Tags: crazy

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