melancholyWhen i was young i sat in front of the computer meticulously composing music using tracker software. I was so eager to write electronic music, and with no money for synthesizers that was the only option. Once i started to be able to afford synthesizers i slowly drifted away - at first because all the serious musicians at the time used hardware, and later because i sat in front of a computer all day at work and didn't want to sit there again after work. Meanwhile, as those years passed, more and more professionals migrated to software-only production. And i kept grasping for a magical hardware setup that would inspire me.
How many synths have i owned in total since i bought my Juno 60 in 1996? At least 25, i'm sure. Barring some cassette-recorded acid jams i did on a 101, 606 and the Juno back in 1999 i have nothing to show for it. Every now and then i pull out a synth or two and play around, but it never goes anywhere beyond noodling. I lost interest in making music altogether for a while. I think it only comes back when i'm depressed to taunt me, to show me just how much of a failure i've become. Hell even on my most recent manic-y mixed episode a few months ago i sold two synths and bought another one and some other stuff i'm not even sure what any more. The sea of gear is endless and all i ever do is sail and sail. I forgot about the islands, the ports.
Which is what makes it so interesting that just in the last week or so i feel like i've somehow bridged this gap back to the person i was in high school. Perhaps it's because i'm in the hospital and i'm traveling light, it makes me realize if i can only bring one thing it'll be my computer. All that gear is dead weight that means nothing when i am here and i want to write a song. I want to sell my synths again and buy something with a keyboard so i can input notes easily into the 21st century tracker software, and that's kinda where i want to stop. I actually feel good about learning this. Is this just the latest manic whim or am i finally feeling fucking normal again after way too many years veering from one extreme to the other, completely incapable of getting the things in my life i value the most under control?
Who fucking knows? I know i'm able to feel again right now. Healthily feel, i mean, not just surf on those waves of emotion that roll and crash at the worst possible moment. I feel like me again, but i do know the me i feel like is not the me of a few months or a few years ago - it's a much older me. And that's a tiny bit scary because finding that me again... well, would i have made the same choices? I guess it doesn't matter. It just matters i make the right choices now. And if i write music... i can write music now.
But before that i need to rehearse like hell for our drum performance this weekend. I've missed two weeks of class and my muscle rhythm is out of wack because of the meds. Over and over and over and over i need to play that piece. I foresee many hours under the trees in my future.
I want a banyan tree of my very own.
I want to swim in the ocean.
I need to cry.
