optimisticI think i mentioned i started a poetry blog at the beginning of this year. I've never published the link; it's here. Please visit if you're interested, i like comments. I know i'm a shitty poet, but i've been trying to write something every day. If i'm not near a computer i write it on my iPod or in a notebook and post it when i'm back at a computer. It forces me to just let go when things aren't perfect.
These last couple weeks i had to tell my clients i couldn't fulfill my obligations to them. They've all been understanding, even though i completely pulled out of one project partway through. I also had to tell my coach i wasn't going to be able to do the modern dance/choreographed fight skit i had originally put my name down to do. When i can't do everything i thought i was going to be able to i usually feel like a failure. No mas. I can't let that happen any more, it destroys me.
Tonight i'm performing at the Arabesque Student Gala again. Last year i had practiced and practiced and the instructor picked me to lead, i guess figuring i'd be the one in the class least likely to screw up. I did screw up once or twice, and i felt like shit, but i kept going and afterwards he came up to me and said i did a great job. That really put a smile on my face. On Thursday he tried to put me in lead position for this performance but i had to say no - i just didn't feel i'd been able to practice enough. Instead of feeling bad i felt empowered. The person leading now is good. For me there's always the winter gala to aim for.
Today i was going to practice, but i got sidetracked listening to music and then when i did pick up my drum to play i ended up tuning it to get a better ring in my "dum" sound. I want to beat myself up for procrastinating, but i need to give myself a break. Some days it just isn't going to work out. I know the routine, i know how i want it to sound. My hands can't always keep up with the falahi rhythm or the rapid-fire "sak" sequences we have in other parts, but i'll do my best. I'll do my best and i know i won't be the best and today that's okay.
