amw

One thing i have a big problem with is perfectionism. I get into an all-or-nothing mindset where if i can't do something well i would rather not do it at all. When i'm in certain moods that can lead to impatience or frustration with others whose standards aren't the same as mine. When i'm in other moods it can lead me down a hopeless spiral of self-loathing.

I think i mentioned i started a poetry blog at the beginning of this year. I've never published the link; it's here. Please visit if you're interested, i like comments. I know i'm a shitty poet, but i've been trying to write something every day. If i'm not near a computer i write it on my iPod or in a notebook and post it when i'm back at a computer. It forces me to just let go when things aren't perfect.

These last couple weeks i had to tell my clients i couldn't fulfill my obligations to them. They've all been understanding, even though i completely pulled out of one project partway through. I also had to tell my coach i wasn't going to be able to do the modern dance/choreographed fight skit i had originally put my name down to do. When i can't do everything i thought i was going to be able to i usually feel like a failure. No mas. I can't let that happen any more, it destroys me.

Tonight i'm performing at the Arabesque Student Gala again. Last year i had practiced and practiced and the instructor picked me to lead, i guess figuring i'd be the one in the class least likely to screw up. I did screw up once or twice, and i felt like shit, but i kept going and afterwards he came up to me and said i did a great job. That really put a smile on my face. On Thursday he tried to put me in lead position for this performance but i had to say no - i just didn't feel i'd been able to practice enough. Instead of feeling bad i felt empowered. The person leading now is good. For me there's always the winter gala to aim for.

Today i was going to practice, but i got sidetracked listening to music and then when i did pick up my drum to play i ended up tuning it to get a better ring in my "dum" sound. I want to beat myself up for procrastinating, but i need to give myself a break. Some days it just isn't going to work out. I know the routine, i know how i want it to sound. My hands can't always keep up with the falahi rhythm or the rapid-fire "sak" sequences we have in other parts, but i'll do my best. I'll do my best and i know i won't be the best and today that's okay.