amw (amw) wrote,
amw
amw

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straight emasculated boy

I'm back at home this weekend, unfortunately with an ear infection. Something about sleeping back in my own bed isn't flying quite right with my joints either, so i have tight knees to go with my killer earache. Hello, Motrin. Tomorrow i head back to the hospital for my last few days. Last night i slept 10 hours and had some crazy dreams. One in particular was quite vivid and slightly disturbing and it made me think about how often i feel i skirt the outside of gender...

I guess it also comes from a conversation i had yesterday with an activist friend of a friend. I was thinking afterwards about how little desire i have to fall into that raging dyke/feminist scene. But i sure as hell don't identify with girly girls either. I just feel awkward all around, especially in social situations when i'm just assumed to be "in the club". I try to find people who i can be myself with. Of course they're usually outsiders themselves, and lately i've even felt on the fringe there too. Being in hospital probably isn't helping that.

This entry was far more interesting when i wrote it in my head. Now it just sounds like the usual whining. I guess my point is that coming up to my discharge date i'm still really struggling with a couple of bigass issues and gender is one of them. It doesn't affect me too much when i'm in that controlled environment but out here, in the real world... i feel constantly painted into corners. It doesn't seem to matter what i present to the world as because i'm never seen or treated right. I guess i'll never feel right again, that's the tragedy of the thing.
Tags: gender
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