amw

When i arrived home from the hospital yesterday my new passport was waiting in the mailbox for me. The timing couldn't have been more perfect, because it really drilled into me the changes i've made in the last six weeks. When i was in the midst of my wacked out mood i was dreaming of buying a car (actually at one point even a motorcycle) and getting the fuck out of here, heading south and disappearing into America or even further. As my mood got darker i decided i was going to kill myself someplace that was not in Canada. I panicked when i thought i couldn't get a new passport because i felt trapped here, but i panicked even more when i realized there was now only a short time left before my passport expired for me to actually execute my plans. In a brief moment of lucidity (or perhaps resignation) i sent off my passport to take away that option. In the end that only made me consider new ways to die here in Canada.

But enough of that. Coming out of hospital now those ideations seem so far away. Like, i totally understand why they were in my head and God knows i still understand the appeal, but i'm not obsessing any more. I'm not obsessing over running away or killing myself or withdrawing from everyone... And you know... J isn't an alien impersonator of J any more, which at one point - in the midst of paranoia - seemed like a real possibility to me. Fucking... Jesus i am a fruitcake. Medicated and to some degree sedated, but still.

My big challenge now is how to push myself to work 20 hours a week. One thing the stay didn't do is change my (lack of) passion for software development. I guess i need to treat it like the gym - something that i rarely feel inclined to do in and of itself, but once i'm there and in the groove it's really not so bad at all. Difference is at the gym i feel free and empowered whereas at work i feel bound and enslaved. Some day, some day i'll find work that doesn't destroy my soul. For now i guess i just need to give my soul some extra care and attention in the downtime. Now that i'm home that means good food and drink, music i love and a comfortable couch. Life is okay.