okayBut enough of that. Coming out of hospital now those ideations seem so far away. Like, i totally understand why they were in my head and God knows i still understand the appeal, but i'm not obsessing any more. I'm not obsessing over running away or killing myself or withdrawing from everyone... And you know... J isn't an alien impersonator of J any more, which at one point - in the midst of paranoia - seemed like a real possibility to me. Fucking... Jesus i am a fruitcake. Medicated and to some degree sedated, but still.
My big challenge now is how to push myself to work 20 hours a week. One thing the stay didn't do is change my (lack of) passion for software development. I guess i need to treat it like the gym - something that i rarely feel inclined to do in and of itself, but once i'm there and in the groove it's really not so bad at all. Difference is at the gym i feel free and empowered whereas at work i feel bound and enslaved. Some day, some day i'll find work that doesn't destroy my soul. For now i guess i just need to give my soul some extra care and attention in the downtime. Now that i'm home that means good food and drink, music i love and a comfortable couch. Life is okay.
