amw (amw) wrote,

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dissecting a year

Two of my fingers have some kind of injury. One is from the sprain i got playing basketball at the beginning of the year (!) and one is i don't know. New since starting Zyprexa i guess. I love how medication to make one part of you better seems to kick you in the guts somewhere else. The muscle pain in my legs and arms i'm fighting through at the gym three or four times a week and i usually feel better (or at least less stiff) after working it out. But running some drills on my dumbek just now my fingers feel more bruised, to the point where i can't easily clench my right fist. I guess i should see a doctor, but i don't know what they'd say besides quit drumming and quit boxing. And screw that, right? This is the two things that have made me the happiest in the last year. And it's almost been a year. I started dumbek classes and boxing in September last year. Damn, who would've thought in 10 months i'd have two performances under my belt and be registered to fight in Canada?

I've also been going to therapy for a year and i'm thinking it's time to ease back to biweekly. I still have my three big issues on the table, but they're moving forwards now. Hospital helped that. While i was there i just dressed in jeans or cargos and a tee. At first it was out of comfort that i didn't bother with a bra, but after a while i realized it didn't bother anyone. I guess we all had enough other things to worry about that having someone of indeterminate gender floating around wasn't a big deal. Both nurses and patients referred to me as "he" sometimes and "she" other times and i just got to be me. Now, outside of the gym (which is ostensibly women-only) and work meetings (which happen less than once per week), i just dress how i feel comfortable and get read both as male and female. I'm not putting myself in gender-specific situations and i like it that way. I still identify more as an effeminate male than as a butch female, but if people see the latter then oh well, yanno? For now i think i am happy to live this way, so it's a good step forward from last year.

Thing number two on the table at therapy has been my career. I made a mini-breakthrough this week that we need to look into further. I am wondering if my problem is not the type of work i'm doing specifically and more that i don't feel comfortable with a lot of responsibility. This is a pattern in my life, where any time i have obligations or even a perceived responsibility it's like a crushing pressure and i feel trapped and have to escape. Sometimes i just have a lack of confidence in my ability to fulfill said obligation but other times it's a sense of finality, a fear of being stuck with it forever. And usually my exit strategies aren't the most well thought-out. I dunno. I really do think this line of work isn't for me - it honestly does drain me - but what's to say spending 20+ hours a week doing anything else wouldn't be just as draining? By all accounts my current freelance setup is lower stress than any office job or indeed any on-site job would be... So maybe i need to suck it up and fucking deal. Sigh. Yeah, there's some work to be done here.

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