hungryI've also been going to therapy for a year and i'm thinking it's time to ease back to biweekly. I still have my three big issues on the table, but they're moving forwards now. Hospital helped that. While i was there i just dressed in jeans or cargos and a tee. At first it was out of comfort that i didn't bother with a bra, but after a while i realized it didn't bother anyone. I guess we all had enough other things to worry about that having someone of indeterminate gender floating around wasn't a big deal. Both nurses and patients referred to me as "he" sometimes and "she" other times and i just got to be me. Now, outside of the gym (which is ostensibly women-only) and work meetings (which happen less than once per week), i just dress how i feel comfortable and get read both as male and female. I'm not putting myself in gender-specific situations and i like it that way. I still identify more as an effeminate male than as a butch female, but if people see the latter then oh well, yanno? For now i think i am happy to live this way, so it's a good step forward from last year.
Thing number two on the table at therapy has been my career. I made a mini-breakthrough this week that we need to look into further. I am wondering if my problem is not the type of work i'm doing specifically and more that i don't feel comfortable with a lot of responsibility. This is a pattern in my life, where any time i have obligations or even a perceived responsibility it's like a crushing pressure and i feel trapped and have to escape. Sometimes i just have a lack of confidence in my ability to fulfill said obligation but other times it's a sense of finality, a fear of being stuck with it forever. And usually my exit strategies aren't the most well thought-out. I dunno. I really do think this line of work isn't for me - it honestly does drain me - but what's to say spending 20+ hours a week doing anything else wouldn't be just as draining? By all accounts my current freelance setup is lower stress than any office job or indeed any on-site job would be... So maybe i need to suck it up and fucking deal. Sigh. Yeah, there's some work to be done here.
