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singapore sunset
amw
I was looking at a picture someone took of me when i was in line for Cyndi Lauper the other day. The picture is awful - even though i recently colored my hair i haven't had a good cut in months and i look a mess. But something that struck me was my frame has started getting crazy shoulder muscles like some alien Brock Lesnar is hatching in my chest. You can actually see through my shirt that i'm at the gym 6-8 hours a week. Or i can, at least - i doubt anyone else cares enough. Whatever - the point is the payoff for my work is right there plain to see.

I'm struggling now with my drumming. I wrote about this before and i have to write again because it just hit me today... I had two weeks off because of the G20 protests and Canada Day and although i practiced two or three times, i didn't work hard enough to see changes. Our teacher is really trying hard to break the link between our left and right hands so they can move independently, and the frustration has been mounting in me because i know exactly what i need to do but when i try it all fucks up. I know i just need to keep practicing, but it feels like there is never time.

I don't know how to spend my time better. Maybe it's harder right now because J's shifts have been slashed and she is home a lot, or maybe there really aren't enough hours in the day to do everything i want to do... But how to break out of that? I fucking love drumming, it makes me so happy. When i get it right i think it even makes me happier than a good training session. Other things i want to do i just want to do... like finally get my Canadian drivers' license (i.e. learn to parallel and reverse park) or learn to speak Spanish... But this is something that feels good from deeper. Like, music has always been this thing for me that i love and aside from a few years at the end of my teens i've never let myself do it, and i've never really let myself succeed.

Sometimes it feels like i'm just sabotaging myself again by taking on too much stuff, trying to work 3-4 hours a day, taking Spanish classes and driving lessons, heading to the gym 4 times a week, looking after my health, being a good partner and friend, doing chores and - oh yeah - playing music too. Of course that practice takes a back seat to everything else because even when i do have a free minute God forbid do something that makes noise and may annoy J or the neighbors. I mean for fuck's sake. My brain really is that retarded.
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