tiredToday was fucking weird. Each morning when i wake up i try to write several pages in one of my paper journals. I realized a few weeks back that i couldn't do that on my current meds or i'd just fall back asleep, so i took to eating breakfast and then knuckling down to write. The food wakes me up enough that i don't pass out, though i'm still prone to falling into disturbingly vivid daydreams mid-sentence. I wrote about them today, how it's like those daydreams now contain all the manic thoughts that were once overflowing my brain. I guess that's the subjective experience of the medication working - the fire hasn't been doused, but it's been moved out of immediate reach. It's still a problem, though, when i stay daydreaming too long.
For a couple reasons i couldn't break out of it today. I asked J if she noticed any change in me since a few months back, and she did say i seemed better. I was a bit random in therapy, i started down ten different tacks without really getting anywhere. I couldn't get it together to work till after lunch sometime either. I need to give myself a break. I'm allowed to not have it together some days. That's what everyone around me keeps saying, anyway. I'm just so sick of people talking about stabilizing or taking each day at a time... It makes me feel like i'm broken. I don't want to be broken.
Last week i met up with S, the only person i kept in touch with from my hospital stay. We chatted about life and things and this illness, of course. He's exasperated at the whole thing, like it's some kind of sadistic life sentence. It was hard for me to provide words of encouragement because really it kind of is. I mean, it's just this thing that sucks and you deal because not dealing is not an option. I coaxed him into talking about some things he wants to do; some good dreams, passions. I'm so much better at working to help other people identify their goals than i am at figuring out my own. Maybe i don't need any for a while. That's what each day at a time means, right?
Today was a weird day, and that's okay. Tomorrow perhaps i will be better.
