amw (amw) wrote,

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drugged to the eyeballs

I don't think i've written much about my medication and how it makes me feel. Or besides "tired", anyway. On Thursday i have to give my report of how the last few weeks went, and that's going to be hard because it's colored by everything else that has been going on in my personal life. But i can say the last few weeks haven't been hugely different to the months before since starting Zyprexa. This morning while i was sitting writing in my morning journal i started to think about how it feels to be medicated this way, and i started to wonder if i really still feel like me. I guess that's a fairly common thought when you're on psychotropic meds.

I need to go back and talk about mania, first, though. I always enjoy reading books and watching shows on the topic, because it gives me a yardstick of sorts. Often i get a tiny bit jealous hearing other people's stories about all the creative and fun and exciting things they get up to when they're manic. It rarely seems to feel that way to me. My doctors tend to gloss over my sensation of losing my mind as some kind of anxiety, but that's the best way to describe how i feel when i'm not depressed or "in the middle". The thoughts come quickly and i do have a lot of ideas, but they mostly involve vaguely spiritual or flat-out weird beliefs and paranoia. One of the most damaging ones i think is a sense that i'm somehow connected to random people or places on a spiritual level, some bizarre sense of intimacy or empathy. At the same time i get increasingly withdrawn from "real life", and paranoid of those i actually am closest to. It always leads me down paths of violent change, or at least an unhealthy desire to fuck up the status quo. I feel constantly tipping on the edge of something; it never lets me rest. That's the real feeling of being manic for me - my mind is always wanting to get on to the next thing, the next experience, whatever it is.

So how does it feel to be medicated? Really it seems that i just don't want to get to the next thing any more. And that really sucks when the next thing is something i need, something good. Sure, i don't have many wacky thoughts now, the rushing in my head is gone... but at what cost? My positive outlook feels dulled, my whole life a bit of a tired blur. Somewhere in the last couple weeks i started smoking to sharpen my mood, to focus better. Yeah, that's some retarded self-medication right there. I'm just looking for that edge again. One thing medication doesn't do is take away that desire to fly again, that's all willpower. And my will is crumbling because the only way i know how to change is to tip on the edge and right now i need to change.
Tags: crazy

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