amw (amw) wrote,
amw
amw

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meh

I know i'm not depressed because i don't feel like a failure every time i massively oversleep. Somehow my body is managing to sleep just enough so i can still get the minimum done each day. I'm just managing 15 hours a week of work, i'm just managing to make it to all my appointments with a few minutes to spare. But that's all i'm managing. It leaves me frustrated as hell every morning. Tonight is Rosh Hashanah so in about 3 hours i will need to shower and get all dressed up for the journey up north. I slept almost 13 hours last night. Yesterday i slept about 11 because i had an appointment. I didn't have time to write my morning pages till i got back. 11 or 12 seems to be the default these days.

J has been getting up by 7 each morning because she is back to school this week. It's fucking horrible seeing your partner get up and be so productive when it's just not happening for you. I said to my therapist yesterday i think it has to be something psychological because i've already dropped my Zyprexa to about half what it was in hospital and it hasn't changed shit sleeping-wise. I wake up whenever my alarm goes off - nice and early - and then i think, oh but i just need to finish that dream because it was important, hold on, just give me a minute... Several hours later i come to, no wiser from my dreams and a lot more frustrated at my waking self. Have i somehow trained myself to not give a crap about the day any more? When did that happen?
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