amw (amw) wrote,

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no stopping for nicotine

It's official, my cardio is shot. For the second weekend in a row i've gone to the gym and been unable to run over 5 minutes. Tuesday night wasn't so bad, so it's undoubtedly tied to that morning cigarette i have just an hour before going in on the weekends. I'm smoking 2 to 4 a day now, which is probably the highest i've been at since early 2008.

I did quit, you know, for almost 2 years. It seems weird, now, my reasoning behind starting again. Back in April, or whenever it was, my head was all over the place and it felt like that five minute smoke was one little snippet of control i could bring back to my life - that's why i started. I was only having that evening smoke until about a month ago when the floodgates broke.

I never used to smoke for any particularly good reason. I started out of peer pressure, kept doing it because everyone else did, it was a nice little break from the day, it tasted good with coffee, whatever. But now that i've discovered that a little nicotine hit counteracts my lackadaisical moods for a brief spell... It's addictive in a whole nother way.

Work was really stressful yesterday, i got stuck on a really hard problem that made me want to throw my computer in the lake. There was a point i felt so at a loss that i turned to a fucking cigarette to reengage my brain. I know how bad it is for me but at that moment i didn't care because it works. Of course it couldn't be oatmeal or almonds or something innocuous that'd have that effect. That'd just be too easy.

For now my care factor is low. I hate feeling so unfit but quitting? Ugh. I'm having enough trouble getting through the day as it is. I guess it'll happen again when the time is right.

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