amw (amw) wrote,

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really, i need five mental health specialists now?

So on Tuesday i have two appointments at the main gender clinic here in Toronto. On the advice of my psychiatrist i contacted them way back in April or something and the waiting list finally got down to me. It must be a fucking painstaking wait for transsexuals to get surgery here, since that's the only official path to it in the province. I'm feeling pretty weird about the whole thing. Early in the year i was in a really fucked up headspace and everything about my life seemed screwed up, i just wanted out, from everything. Now... now i'm just kinda getting by. I feel like i don't have anything to say. Especially to a hardcore gender clinic, one that goes by the full-on Harry Benjamin guidelines.

I mean, it's not like anything's changed. It's coming up to ten years now since i had surgery. I still don't see it as having really improved my life in any major way, it's just left me with more regrets. But like anything, you just have to deal, you know? I've done a lot of things i regret in my life, things where i think "if only i'd known then what i do now", but that's a part of growing up. For better or for worse those choices got me where i am now.

I don't want to de-transition. I could never completely undo my mistake anyway. I don't want to go through the pain of "being" transsexual again. I don't want to have to come out to my family all over again - they've been through enough. God knows i don't want to lose my current relationship over this. And really, life as a woman isn't that much worse than life as a man was. And in some ways it's probably better. The only major things i continue to struggle with are talking about my past and hanging out in very gender-specific social situations. Both things i generally avoid by being introverted anyway.

What i do want, i guess, is this magical acceptance to come from people around me. In a perfect world it would be nice if they understood that i don't want to be seen particularly as a woman - or a man, or a "genderqueer" crusader for that matter - i just want to be seen as me. It shouldn't matter, you know? Who fucking cares? I'm just a person. Superficially that works out great - to the clerk at the grocery store i'm just another customer. It breaks when you get deeper, though. My gender matters to some extent in my relationship, and probably in most friendships too. That, i think, causes me to shy away from social contact more than i otherwise would. But how is going to talk to yet another psychiatrist and psychologist going to fix anything? They can't change "people", and i don't really expect people to change just for me anyway. It's just the way it is.

And so i live with it. It's just another consequence of the choices i've made. Yeah, sometimes those choices fucking shatter me. Yesterday i spent all morning in tears. It wasn't over this, but nevertheless. Sometimes the gender thing gets to me too and i cry and i don't want to be touched and i want to puke and the whole world is black. But then i put myself back together and move on, because i have to. I can't erase these things. I don't want to be "fixed" in that way. So why am i going to see these specialists again?
Tags: gender

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