amw (amw) wrote,
amw
amw

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gone

Today i got one of those calls. A friend of mine passed away. It happened just over a week ago. I texted her last week and was worried but didn't know how else to reach her. If i'd thought to check her Facebook page i would've seen all the messages. I rarely look at any pages on Facebook aside from my news feed. The last thing she posted was a goodbye, worded in such a way that no one would get it till after. We had talked just a couple days before that. She was in a really bad way, i knew it and i knew i needed to see her. For a couple months now i'd been saying we should get together again, but i kept getting too sidetracked with work and all my own things. She was my best friend in Toronto.

Perhaps my only friend, you know. She was the only one besides J who came to visit when i was in hospital. I opened up a lot to her, we had a bunch of things in common and spent a lot of time together in those months where i was a wreck. We talked about suicide. Back then i was texting every day or two just to touch bases, to make sure she was okay too. When i got out of hospital and i stabilized, it trailed off. I got sunk into my work and she sunk further into her depression. She never talked about her past, why she was so traumatized. That was between her and her doctors, doctors she never felt really understood or supported her. She was living in a shelter because she didn't have anywhere else to go. She wasn't ready to work and live on her own. But you know she was an amazing soul.

There was a memorial service i missed last week because i didn't know. It was always my fear with her, that something would happen and i'd only find out weeks later. I think about that sometimes, how most of my friends are in their own groups that i'm not a part of so if anything happened i'd be the last to know. That's what i get for just forging relationships with individuals here and there i guess.

An odd thought struck me when i found out... That J and i would never get our first season of Charmed back, which was the very first joint purchase we made. I loaned it to M way back at the beginning of the year. A few months ago she loaned me one of her favorite books. I still have it. J said well i guess you still have a little piece of her and she still has a little piece of you. That made me feel better somehow. Which i kinda needed because i am feeling pretty heartbroken right now.
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