amw (amw) wrote,

  • Mood:

bound in silk

I'm caught up in some kind of web again. Getting back from vacation i did do a little bit of work but i'm not really starting proper till tomorrow. I'm not looking forward to it. Yesterday i spent all day on the couch and today wasn't much better. I know i need the break, i need to just do nothing, to sit and read and write and watch TV and listen to music and play video games... But i'm feeling kinda hollow. It doesn't help i've woken up with that hole in my heart every day since Christmas. Holidays suck. Last night i picked up a book i got on vacation and finished it before i could turn the light off to sleep. I remember why i can't buy books now, because when i get a good one i finish it in a day or two and then i need another one. I like to disappear into the written word. When i was young i'd stay up all night reading and then go to school with no sleep. Heh. A few years on i'd stay up all night partying and keep going through the next day. Now i sleep, i sleep and sleep. Not because i need it, i think, but my brain just likes to be there, in that dream world - another place to disappear into. Is that depression? I can't remember any more, what it feels like to feel normal. I just feel like me. Which is probably good. If i wasn't feeling like me it's likely i'd be veering off that edge again. I miss driving. I loved driving at night. Of course i often drove drunk at night, as fast as my car would go. God i was a fucking idiot. Reading is better, yup. When i'm awake i never want to go to sleep and when i'm asleep i never want to wake up.
Tags: crazy

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