amw (amw) wrote,

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I would really like to know what the fuck is going on with my sleeping patterns lately. It's getting ridiculous. Every morning i wake up with my alarm at 8 or 9 or 10 depending when i set it. I usually roll around a bit, check my email, then pick up my pen and journal to start writing pages. Then somehow between the moment the pen hits the page and early in the afternoon i flicker between vivid dreams, writing completely incoherent thoughts, scribbling across the page in my sleep, and paranoically suspecting things from my dreams are happening in reality. At the same time i'm also questioning reality because my dreams feel more real. So that's awesome. And then the morning is gone, and usually most of the afternoon too because i still need to eat and shower and so forth.

It's not like i'm not sleeping enough - even if i do wake up for real at 8 that's 5 hours. I've made 3am my cutoff point for turning the light off. And i'm making a concerted effort to be in bed by 1ish, although often i do read for longer than that. It's almost as if the harder i try to get my evening schedule sorted out the worse it gets in the mornings.

I didn't do any work on Friday and i didn't catch up on it yesterday like i planned. I don't know if today will be any different considering it's already coming up to 2pm and i'm going to meet a friend this afternoon. I am too distracted. My mind won't focus. I need to work because i need the money to live, so when i can't do it i just feel like a crushing failure. That in itself isn't conducive to actually working. Instead i just want to curl up in a ball.

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