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past my bedtime
singapore sunset
amw
So i know i said i've been trying to get to bed by 1, and in the past few days i've even been in bed before midnight, but tonight J is away and it's the weekend, goddamnit, so here i am.

I was thinking about how last year i dropped more and more activities from my life until all i had left was boxing, and then i dropped that too. I stopped because i was sick but when i got better i didn't go back. At the time i felt like it had all gotten too much for me - i was going four times per week, i was coaching, i was working extremely hard and my body and mind were spent. The last couple weeks i've been pondering why i don't go back. Yes, my moods aren't really cleared up, but wouldn't it feel great to hit a bag again? Yes, yes it would. But do i want to go back there? That brings up the real reason i'm in two minds. I don't know if i can go back to a women's boxing gym just to work out.

The gym i went to is an awesome place, all the women there are really positive and the coach is supportive of everyone. It's also got very strong feminist roots, political ones. I think i first started feeling uneasy middle of last year when a group of women at the gym protested the G20 summit, then attended a side-protest at Pride, then continued to send out newsletters about women's and trans rights and on and on. I am a huge politics wonk, but activism drives me nuts. Even though the gym is explicitly trans-friendly (FTM as well as MTF), i always felt a little out of place because i still don't feel entirely comfortable being perceived as a woman. And having people see me as "proudly genderqueer" doesn't sit right either. With all the leftist activism on top of that i started feeling like i didn't fit in at all. It got to a point i'd go to the gym but deliberately avoid conversations with half of the people there because i knew they'd say something to annoy me in some way or another.

The other thing that really bugged me was not getting a fight. If it had just been about me not being skilled enough to fight, no problems. But it was about me being too heavy to find an opponent in my weight class. I might be slim, but i'm 6'3 and my weight puts me well above the vast majority of serious female boxers. I never planned on fighting when i joined the gym, but after getting into it a while that was one thing i wanted more than anything. It's like learning an instrument and never performing. I just wanted to get out there and do it. But i couldn't. And they sure as hell won't put on co-ed fights, even with weight, height and experience matched up. So that sucks.

It's led me back to thinking about playing basketball again. Not women's basketball, i'm done with that. It's too scrappy and bitchy and as usual i just feel like an out-of-place impostor. I'm thinking about co-ed basketball again. Playing ball while i was in hospital was the best fun i had all year in 2010. I was the only girl there, but i jumped in and played hard with the boys and it felt good. Basketball has the added bonus of not just being a great workout, but there's a certain elegance in it too, kinda like dancing. It feels good. Maybe when the co-ed leagues start up next season i'll try find the money for it. I dunno. Right now i'm not doing anything besides work that involves interaction with other people, and that just seems kinda pathetic. I have the internet, but it's not really immediate when you're just sitting around waiting for emails. I think i need more...
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