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I was just hanging out with a friend of mine and we were lamenting the fact that when you hit your late teens all that creative spark seems to disappear... I wondered out loud if that happens to everyone, and he finished my sentence saying "...or does it only happen if you're fucked up?" It's a good point; i look at other people my age who are still creative as ever - some of my friends in the UK are putting out releases that are going to the top of the weekly download charts in electronic music circles. Why is it so hard for me to do that? Why can't my friend here just get lost in his MPC making beats? Is it because we hit that mental illness wall where suddenly nothing comes easily any more?

I'm still on the edges of the scene. I have a bunch of daily reads online, about half of which are music production forums. I learn about all the latest gear coming out, i read about advanced production techniques and see kids trying to find ways to recreate the hot sounds of the moment. But i'm still not doing anything myself. Perhaps reading these forums is like chaining myself to the theory of the craft; i've abandoned the passion behind the art. What would happen if i stopped reading the forums? I wouldn't know about all the current trends, sure, but maybe i'd have more space to focus on just creating. Or maybe i'd just find some other way to waste my time, because that's really all this constant sponging up of abstract information is - procrastination.

I don't even know if i want to write music any more. I know i loved it, more than anything as a teenager. I didn't have to make an effort to learn because i loved doing it so much. Then something changed and things got a lot darker and ever since it's been a struggle to feel enthused to do much of anything creative. It's really difficult for me to learn the instruments - the tools - all over again. It's not fun any more and feels like work. So much feels like work these days. That's some kind of barrier i need to break through, somehow. I need to be able to have fun again, have fun MAKING something, not just taking it in.
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