amw (amw) wrote,

  • Mood:

olanzapine blues

Last night i didn't take my "optional" Zyprexa dose because i knew i needed to wake up early for an 11am appointment today. It seemed to be going good. Okay, so at midnight i had a stroke of genius and decided i needed to log on to do some work that could easily have waited, but i was still in bed by 1. The light was off by 2. My brain wouldn't fucking shut up till after 4. I just lay there and lay there and lay there. Eventually i took my iPod under the covers and made some notes of everything in my head to try shut it all up. It didn't work. There were snow plows outside that made it sound like i was in a spaceship. And i wanted a croissant, damnit. I woke up shortly after 7 because in my dream the alarm had gone off when in reality i still had an hour to go. I was cranky and sleep-deprived. This does not bode well for my meeting tomorrow at 10am, or my other appointment Friday at 10am.

This drug is a bitch. I know it works. It softens the constant noise in my head. It helps put me to sleep. It helps ground me during the day. If only it didn't also make me sleep so freakin long. I need to figure out what it was that let me get up at 8am in the hospital on over twice the dose i'm at now. I think i just knew i'd miss breakfast otherwise. Actually, when i was 21 they put me on this for the first time and i'm pretty sure i still got up in the morning to go to work every day. I stopped because it gave me muscle pain. I don't get that any more, though maybe i've just gotten used to having an achey body nowadays. Either way, this ridiculously excessive sleeping thing is new and i don't like it. Not when the drug is actually fucking working for what it's supposed to. Maybe i should switch to the lowest possible dose, though i do wonder about the real efficacy vs a placebo once it gets down below the levels tested in clinical studies. And i don't want to pay for a placebo.

In other news, i am trying to quit smoking again. Currently down to three per day.
Tags: crazy

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