One of my daily reads is Mark Vernon, who is an ex-priest-turned-pop-philosopher from the UK. The other day he wrote about insomnia. There was a part where he talked about waking up being the process of emerging from the chaos of unconsciousness, and how that might be quite disturbing for some people. It made me think about my own problems waking up lately. If unconsciousness is chaos and consciousness is order, then am i repeating the same unhealthy patterns in miniature every morning when i wake up and decide to go back to sleep again? I don't want to face the humdrum reality of the day and would rather travel through the chaos of my dreams - whatever they're about.
The content just doesn't matter, you see. My sleeping dreams are very rarely related to my waking life. They're not even manifestations of my daydreams, though they are completely seductive to me anyway. Maybe it's about being in another world, one with different priorities, different cares. One where there are different solutions and different consequences. No two nights are ever quite the same, so i never have to take responsibility over the long term. When i'm caught in that space between sleep and wakefulness all i want to do is descend back into the chaos.
That's all i really get now, those few hours of extra chaos - sleep that my body almost certainly doesn't need. Aside from my breakdown early last year, for the most part i've been a pretty well-behaved manic depressive. Or, well, whatever i can blame that whole chaos addiction thing on. I try to keep my life stable and positive these days, and most of the time i actually succeed. I do my job to the best of my ability, i work on my relationship, i make sure all the chores are done; my living space and lifestyle is healthy. If the trade-off is losing my mornings is it really so bad? At least my dreams don't hurt anyone. Perhaps it's okay.