amw (amw) wrote,

  • Mood:

on the other hand

I miss M. I really miss M. I miss having someone to really talk to. J is away this weekend so i'm home alone and it feels like the house is full of ghosts. The last few nights i took my medication late and the voices came back. Not screaming, just making smartass comments in between the spoken words. Last night one said something a little disturbing and i realized i didn't have anyone to talk to about it besides continuing the crazy dialog in my head. That's not right, is it? You don't answer those voices. I got an email from my boss so i have work to do today, i should probably shut everything out and just do it. I need to so i won't starve next month. But nothing feels like it has meaning. I'm not sure how my dreams last night played into all of this but i woke up feeling more unhinged than usual. Meeting M here last year it was the first time in years i found someone i could open up to about everything. That's happened to me so rarely in my life, i can probably count it on one hand. And every other time i fucked it up so this was a chance for me to trust again and for it to work out. And this time it wasn't me that shattered the friendship, i guess it wasn't really her either, she just bowed out because it was time. Meanwhile i'm left hanging. But for a little while i got used to having someone again, i got comfortable with it. Maybe i was too complacent, i should have known everything would fuck up again one way or another. Nothing ever seems to work out easy for me. Sometimes i feel like i'm just too broken, beyond repair. Somehow i hang in there and get through it all, but i wonder what the point is when everyone around me seems to be living such fulfilling lives and every single day i struggle with the most basic things. Do i want to go back to my lifestyle in Australia where i just clocked in at work every morning and worked a full day, then unwound each night with drinks and looked forward to partying on the weekend? I can't remember if that was better, if it was anything good at all. The moments i've had when life felt the most vibrant are long behind me now and lost with all the people and places i left burning by the wayside. It's all barren now and nothing feels quite right. I try not to get sucked into the darkness and i think mostly i do a pretty good job, but i still find myself gasping for breath sometimes, barely able to see any way forward. It's all distorted and no one else can see it, only those wandering demons.
Tags: crazy, looking back

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