amw (amw) wrote,

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i need an up-to-date user icon

The other day i got a weird email from someone i was kind of getting close to last year but haven't heard from in months. It was a one-liner essentially saying she hasn't been able to write because every time she thinks about me she thinks about M, and sorry. It kinda creeped me out, like what is it about me that reminds her? I guess M and i were pretty tight for most of 2010, maybe that's all it was. People really miss her too, i don't think many people saw the extent of the darkness in her, not the way i did anyway. It's strange having that ghost brought back.

I'm so out of the loop of that whole boxing scene now. A part of me is wondering how i ever managed to stick with it so long. Surely i loved it, i wouldn't have spent so much time and energy on it otherwise? I did enjoy working out and getting fit, i mean i was doing it 4 days a week or more, it was everything for a while there. But now i have no interest, nothing. It's weird because i see my sister going the same route, she's just gotten hardcore into exercise, climbing, acrobatics, martial arts, the works. I wonder if it will last for her. She tends to go in spurts too, but maybe this will stick.

I guess at the time the political side didn't matter for me. I didn't really notice it until G20 and Pride when all the girls banded together to protest some damn thing or another. Then my Facebook started filling up with all this crap about a Canadian police state (as if we're in Iran for fuck's sake, get a goddamn grip), then i started noticing all the women's lib stuff in the mailouts and i felt completely pushed to the outside. I don't belong in that group. I don't "fit" as a woman or a transwoman or a lesbian and i just can't get mad about that stuff. I care about DADT, about DOMA, about immigration reform, but even then i'm no fire and brimstone activist and those who are just irritate me. I guess i'm a sheltered li'l conservative at heart. Except you know, i'm pro-abortion and support embryonic stem cell research and all that other Godless stuff. I just don't get angry about it.

Whatever, that's a tangent. The point is that this mood i've been in lately makes it very hard for me to grasp my motivations at other times in my life. I go through life looking back and not understanding how i got where i did. Why did i choose to do this, or that? I honestly don't know, and that's a little disconcerting. It makes me feel more out-of-control, like i'm just bouncing around aimlessly on a pinball table. I want to own my decisions, my past, i need to. That's part of who i am and where i'm at right now. It just feels so alien sometimes, though :(
Tags: looking back

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