amw (amw) wrote,

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once more, with feeling

Monday i was furious after getting hit with that flood of emails from J's father. I was furious, but i kept my shit together, ranted on here, and eventually cooled off. I didn't reply in the heat of the moment because i knew it would only escalate things and besides, J and i needed to discuss it and reply as a couple. Of course she's been busy and home late every night this week, so it just stretched out and today we got another accusatory email that had J practically in tears. She left work early and we put together a reply as calmly as we could. In spite of how the whole thing has made us feel, J is going to do an adjustment so he'll get the money. Whatever, you know, fuck it. Money isn't worth arguing over and he clearly doesn't understand the principle so the hell with it. Life has a way of balancing this shit out.

Over the week, though, i've been thinking about how i deal with things. I mostly do feel like i made the right decision by waiting to calm down before replying. But then there's this other part of me that screams out at all the times in my life i've damped down my emotions, pretended like nothing fazed me, compressed it all tighter and tighter. I was always known for being the cool one growing up, the one with no emotions, who wouldn't let anything hurt him, wouldn't crack. But i do crack, i fucking explode eventually, and always in the wrong way, at the wrong target. I guess it's good in this case that i asserted myself, but what about all those other times where i silently suffered? And i still do it! It all goes into those little balloons that grow and shriek and distend till they burst and everything comes apart. I need to learn how to assert myself in the moment, how to express my emotions instead of cauterizing them.

I tend to rarely show positive emotions either. Like if something was mindblowingly fucking awesome it'll get some small smile. I'm broken that way. I think i only truly relax and let myself feel when i am away from work, away from home, away from everything.

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