amw (amw) wrote,

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Just after Christmas 2009 i did a goal-setting exercise with my boxing coach. The target date we were looking toward was February 2011. I had some big dreams and knew it'd take a while to get there. That sheet has been posted up on the wall above my "inspiration board" ever since, but i've barely glanced at it since everything went to hell in 2010. I was just looking through my calendar and in early 2010 it was packed full - i was out and about doing something almost every day of the week - now the only things that remain are fortnightly therapy appointments and the odd meeting for work. In all the white gaps i'm just bumming around, doing chores, working.

So what did i actually achieve? Well, i got to visit Boston - that was a trip that's been on J's and my list for a while. I'm still with J, too. Not that i addressed that specifically, but there's a cute picture of a stick figure me and J in a heart on the sheet. I'm also working in a part-time job that is enough to pay the bills, which is what i wanted (though i never expected it to be in IT). That's all.

There were more things. Everything from the wild and crazy dreams like opening up my own diner down to simple stuff like just going out dancing more, keeping fit, playing music, writing. Besides writing i don't really do any of those things now. I wanted to create art, take photos, go back to school... learn to be happy in my body, have friends. A lot of my busyness in early 2010 was working towards those things, or at least taking a few steps. There were a million things i wanted. I'm not sure where that all went.

One of the things that really crystallized for me when i was in hospital was that i still need to get to America. Unfortunately that yearning has been a curse for me because every life decision i make is influenced by it. It's pushed me back into the same career over and over, every time i feel like i'm about to break free. It leaves me in this constant state of malcontent, where i can't really enjoy anything because i feel like something fundamental is wrong. But somehow it also hones the blade of my spirit and keeps me focused, it helps banish the suicidal ideation. I take strength from the sense there is something more planned for me, something i still need to do.

In the mean time, though, it's rolled me back into this ball where all i do is work, eat, sleep, work some more. And i resent the work because as cool as it is within the realm of IT, IT is not where i really want to be. I don't know where i want to be, but it's not like i have any other choice if i'm still looking for that H-1B or green card. So i've been reading again, just like i did as a child, reading to imagine myself someplace better, to feel free. Not working toward any other dreams because it's like they don't matter, not as much as this one anyway. Living some kind of half life. Maybe i need to do the exercise again.

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