amw (amw) wrote,

  • Mood:

safe in my little mood-stabilized bubble

It's late. Well, not really late, but late compared to my usual bedtime the last little while. I've been gradually edging myself into bed earlier and earlier in an attempt to wake up and get my day's work done by a reasonable hour. Although i still read till after midnight, i'm often in bed by 11 now. And i'm waking up by 10 the next morning, which is huge.

My mornings are freer too. For about 18 months i was writing several pages of stream-of-consciousness each day. It started as a way for me to try to clear my head in the mornings. At some point it turned into a chore. The forced writing took me in circles and led me ever deeper into my own warped thoughts. Since i've stopped i feel more at peace somehow.

I actually feel pretty stable overall. Not really good, but definitely not bad. I do think i'm depressed - it's difficult for me to feel excited or enthusiastic about anything - but a lot of the chaos that has haunted me the last couple years seems to have settled. I think what i'm beginning to do is find the space i was in before leaving Australia, where i get up and do my job and even though i don't feel great about it i'm still doing it. It's a start.

I'm trying to push myself too. A friend suggested a few weeks ago that i try get out of the house to work more often, and i've been doing that. Not this week so much - i have a bit of "convention flu" and feel kinda crappy - but it's been happening. I'm still missing real social interaction with people, and i'm still not really feeling as happy as i'd like to be, but i'm taking baby steps. If this is me depressed then i'm doing okay. Just as long as someday i actually break out of it.

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