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still tired after 11 hours of sleep
singapore sunset
It's past 3 today and i still haven't done any work. The last week has been pretty light on workload because we've finished most of the main features we wanted in our app and we really need users to flock to the product to give us more input. In a normal job this would be a time to work on other business goals, but in a startup it's like everything is on hold. This is going to be bad for my paycheck at the end of the month and i think it's bad for my mental health too.

Since writing last weekend about my relatively early wake times they've just gotten later and later this week - i have nothing to force myself awake for. This is leading to me feeling progressively more crappy, which feeds the spiral that makes me even less inclined to get out of bed. I'm not liking where i'm at, but i'm not sure what else to do. I know what i should be doing, i should be taking advantage of the free time to work on other things, creative things, anything. Instead i while it away waiting for emails from my boss hoping that something new will come up for me to work on. This is just indicative of the whole problem i've had since i left hospital last year - my whole life now is focused around my work to the exclusion of everything else. Without the work i feel rudderless.

The problem is i need to feel excited about something in order to actually make the effort to spend time doing it. And nothing excites me any more. I keep flicking back to a comment someone made at a panel on mental health at the sci-fi convention i went to - "fake it till you make it". I don't think the comment was quite so banal, but that was the gist. So what can i do? I push myself every day to get up, shower, do the chores, cook meals - some of those things used to be enjoyable to me in and of themselves. But those things aren't enough, so what more is there? I don't have any friends to force myself to go out with. I can't afford to get involved with anything that costs money. I can't even fake it because there's just nothing there.

So here i am sitting before my computer desperately waiting for an email to give me direction, like a lonely dog waiting for someone to toss a ball. It's pathetic.
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You really need to get out, even if it's just to go for a walk and 'untrain' yourself to sit waiting for those emails.

Action causes motivation, not the other way 'round. I know you already know, but just ... DO something.


I think with the depression i often don't see a point in doing things. For instance, yesterday i went out for coffee with J and that was over an hour of travel time just to see her for twenty minutes. It was a real struggle for me to see that as worthwhile, though i did push myself to go and i'm glad that i did. I know rationally what i need to do, but emotionally it all feels so pointless sometimes. Especially the idea of just going for a walk for the sake of it, every part of my body screams why bother? It's very hard to fight this. I guess if it was easy i wouldn't be sitting here whining about it all the time :(

going for a walk for the sake of it ... why bother?

Or you could see the truth of it which is that there is a reason you're making yourself do 'stuff'. You are going for a walk to help your mental health - that's a brilliant reason, and certainly worth more than 'for the sake of it'.


Well, there's that :)

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