amw (amw) wrote,

  • Mood:

oh bondage up yours

I'm kinda bummed Poly Styrene died. It's a weird feeling, i don't think i've ever had it before. I think this might be the first time that a celebrity has died whose art i actually enjoyed enough that it mattered to me. Or maybe i just don't remember any other times because this sort of thing fades from memory pretty quickly.

But maybe also i don't ever let myself feel bummed. I was bitching today about how for over ten years all the times in my life that haven't been chaotic have just been utterly blah. I'm chronically depressed and it's pathetic. My therapist kinda turned the whole situation around on me and said maybe it's not so much that i've been thrust into a mood-stabilized purgatory, but perhaps it's more that i'm just not letting myself feel the things that are actually happening that is creating the sense of being emotionally dead. Maybe i'm not letting myself really be happy, maybe i'm not letting myself really be sad.

I mean, that's been true since i was a kid. I never let myself smile too wide or laugh too loud, or cry, or anything. I tried not to, anyway. I figured it made me strong, made it harder to hurt me. The times i really let myself go, like when dancing or playing music, i'd get teased because i didn't seem my usual reserved self. And that just fed the anxiety. Enter alcohol and drugs so i had something to blame when i showed my smile. It kinda became all or nothing after that. Now i have a tendency to either let my emotions completely get the better of me or barely let myself feel them at all. God knows sometimes i let certain things totally crush me. And then the rest of the time nothing.

I came out of this weekend feeling pretty blah about the whole thing, but what the fuck? I watched a bunch of movies i've been meaning to for ages. I treated myself to all kinds of nifty once-a-year food. I went for a walk. I took a few photos. I went to the theater. I had a long Skype call with mom. J came home a half day early because she missed me (aww). Good Shit Happened. I just need to let myself feel it, let myself be happy about it. I know my life is pretty aimless right now and i don't really have any friends and i'm feeling a bit lonely and lost, but that doesn't mean i can't enjoy reading a good book, or cooking a meal, or folding the freakin laundry. It's not perfect, but it's something damnit.

Of course i could just have this more optimistic outlook because i finally got back to work yesterday so i'm back to getting through my days without feeling like i'm wasting my life. I dunno. Either way i do need to start finding other things to be happy about, to be proud of, to get excited over.
Tags: crazy

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