amw (amw) wrote,

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social schmocial

You know social networking just isn't very social for me. I don't have a huge number of "friends" on Facebook, but they are a good proportion of my old friends and family that i want to keep in touch with. Unfortunately the vast majority never post anything - most of my feed consists of PR updates from party promoters or organizations i'm following. The original allure of Facebook was being able to at least superficially keep up with people who didn't have time for "full-length" interaction, but when they rarely post updates it kinda defeats the point. The funny thing is that whenever i see a real post now i hang on to every shred because it's probably all i'm ever going to get. The people who i still have email conversations with or who update their LJ/blog is vanishingly small.

I almost feel like people flocked to Facebook in a well-intentioned effort to stay in touch with their old friends, but then tapered off when even a quick line of text became too much. Of course i'm not one to talk because i rarely update either, but at least i still send emails and update my journal (in both cases to little response). It just feels like that slow goodbye all over again. For me it's oh-so-familiar - you leave a city, you leave a country, your friends come to your going-away party, they all say "we have to keep in touch", and maybe they do for a while, but eventually it fades away. When you've moved as much as i have that starts really sucking. People i still want to be a part of my life, people i still try with, they've just filled in the gap where i left and moved on. Am i just some notch on their social networking bedpost now? I guess i should try to do the same, but it's so hard to keep building new friendships.

You'd think i'd be an old hand at it now, with all the moving. Blending into a new place, meeting people, telling my stories to fresh ears. Truth is i'm still as shy as ever. It's not a lack of self-confidence or a lack of social skills per se; a lot of it probably has to do with trust issues and general introversion. I don't like to get out and meet new people in the first place, and when i do i don't trust them enough to open up and make friends. And it doesn't really inspire me to try when the first few friends i made here dropped off the radar completely - one through fucking suicide no less.

It sucks. I'm lonely. I'm not just lonely because i don't have any "real life" friends, i'm lonely because most of my old "real life" friends (who are now internet friends) aren't really friends at all any more. Maybe they weren't all the best friends, but they were something. I've always been introverted and enjoyed my own company, but fuck sometimes it would be nice to just talk to someone, even just as a distraction. I had a really shitty day today and as i sat here bawling my eyes out i realized i had no one to call, no one to text, no one to email... And that just set it off again.

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