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I had another weird pang of self-awareness today after one of my regular in-person meetings with my boss. We were talking about students who speak English as a second language and how it can be tough to grade papers that aren't always written with the best use of grammar. I mentioned my mom's experience (she is a full-time academic) and talked about my own experience reviewing resumes and cover letters. It was only after we'd finished chatting and i left to head home that i realized i do the same thing - not in written language, but with my speech. There are times i pause and completely blank out on what i'm supposed to be saying because i just can't find the words. I usually make a save by hastily pulling together some vaguely related words, but it ends up sounding like a complete hodge-podge of broken phrases. It's very frustrating for me because i feel like i'm coming across as stupid. I wonder if people sometimes think i'm not a native English speaker because i get the same blocks when i speak English as i do when i try to speak other languages? It happened a number of times just today. I like to think i'm verbally coherent, but perhaps that's not always the case. Then again, other people have never expressed their frustration with it, so maybe it's just something i notice, like my tendency to "um" all the time.

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I do it too, I think it may be either a side effect of meds or a "symptom" in itself. Actually I stutter sometimes but I am pretty sure that is a blood sugar thing. I try not to think about how I must seem to other people. That's a rabbit hole I have no use for.

I mentioned it to my therapist yesterday and she said it could be meds-related too. Never really occurred to me. It doesn't really bother me aside from the whole feeling-stupid thing. I gotta care less what people think.

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