I've spent the evening trying to look for some kind of top to wear to this wedding we're going to in a few weeks. I know i'm going to wear my interview pants, so at least i'm half-sorted. I have two tops that dad bought me that are interview-worthy, but one is a winter top and the other is white. (I also have the white top i wore to my wedding, but i don't think it's considered appropriate to wear white to a wedding, even if it is on black.) That's all i have. I hate clothes shopping. I hate even more clothes shopping for smart clothes. I hate even more clothes shopping for smart clothes that i'll never wear again. I thought my best bet was to get a nice work shirt so i could use it for interviews too, but they're over 50 fuckin bucks at Banana Republic. Of course there are cheaper shirts at other stores, but judging from the websites the styling and fabric look cheaper too. Since - joy of joys - we'll be sitting at the table with J's parents, i'll have to get something at least slightly fancy. I think they will already be appalled if i wear a work shirt. But i refuse to wear ruffles or frills or lace or any girly bullshit, i just won't do it. The other thing that sucks is my weight gain of 2004ish. Although i look much healthier now than i used to, i no longer have an especially slim waist, which makes it hard to fit into smaller sizes. I always had trouble with my broad shoulders and small bust, but that's compounded now that i have bigger arms and a less slender figure. On a day-to-day basis i can pull off a decent figure wearing a padded bra and XL stretch tanks that shape themselves, but anything tailored just hangs wrong and makes me feel ugly. This is one reason why my entire closet consists of around 5 pairs of pants, 15 tanks and a bunch of t-shirts for my no-bra days. The other reason is that somehow i've walked myself into a corner where even thinking about wearing anything else gives me an anxiety attack. There was a time i used to feel beautiful. Even if i wasn't particularly happy as a girl i still felt like i could be beautiful sometimes. That time is gone.