I hate my job. I hate being poor. I hate being so close to America i can almost see it over the lake but still can't move there. I hate experimenting with stupid medications because i can't just feel good on my own. I hate feeling depressed and unmotivated. I hate sleeping through the day. I hate sitting here on LiveJournal whining about it all. I hate that it's 2pm and i haven't had lunch, haven't done the laundry, haven't done the vacuuming, haven't even had a shower. I hate i've been stuck on the couch crying for hours. I hate that visions of my death keep playing out before my eyes. I hate i'm thinking about suicide again. I hate that the only things keeping me here are so far out of my reach. I hate not having any friends. I hate that i can't have a drink at home any more. I hate that i probably shouldn't drink anyway. I hate that i can't quit smoking. I hate that i have to go to a wedding next week. I hate myself for all the stupid and fucked up shit i've said and done over the years. I hate my body. I hate my brain. I hate feeling like this. I just want to disappear.