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i hate my life
singapore sunset
I hate my job. I hate being poor. I hate being so close to America i can almost see it over the lake but still can't move there. I hate experimenting with stupid medications because i can't just feel good on my own. I hate feeling depressed and unmotivated. I hate sleeping through the day. I hate sitting here on LiveJournal whining about it all. I hate that it's 2pm and i haven't had lunch, haven't done the laundry, haven't done the vacuuming, haven't even had a shower. I hate i've been stuck on the couch crying for hours. I hate that visions of my death keep playing out before my eyes. I hate i'm thinking about suicide again. I hate that the only things keeping me here are so far out of my reach. I hate not having any friends. I hate that i can't have a drink at home any more. I hate that i probably shouldn't drink anyway. I hate that i can't quit smoking. I hate that i have to go to a wedding next week. I hate myself for all the stupid and fucked up shit i've said and done over the years. I hate my body. I hate my brain. I hate feeling like this. I just want to disappear.

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are you in talk therapy of just trying various meds?

Yeah i've been in talk therapy since shortly after getting to Canada. It doesn't seem to do much for my depression, unfortunately. Even my therapist thought Wellbutrin might be a good idea when i mentioned it the other week. Sometimes i'm not sure if i'm getting anything out of the talk therapy, though i guess it is a good place to vent and get some balanced insights into whatever's going on in my life.

I haven't been able to go to the Bipolar in Order workshop yet because first I got sick and then had to go to Arizona and all that stuff, but I don't know if you saw the online stuff they are doing now? http://www.bipolaradvantage.com/edu/local.php you should sign up at least, I think, just for the hell of it.

Perhaps i should give it a try. I'm scared to give money when i don't know if it'll help, but then if i think about it i pay for meds and therapy so it isn't really any different.

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