amw (amw) wrote,

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chemicals report

Last week was a very bad week. I lost the first half of the week sleeping, and the second half of the week i was fiercely depressed. Monday i walked into my psychiatrist's office and pretty much told him i was done with the experiment. I don't know if i can blame such a sudden mood change on new medication, but i was just sick of it. He told me that it was entirely my decision and that he was fine with it, but then he also mentioned something else about how my mood change might have been tied to some other things going on in my life. It was a good insight and gave me pause. I decided to continue our experiment.

On that Monday, my Wellbutrin was doubled (up to 300), and he suggested i come in Thursday so we could quickly put the brakes on if anything got worse. Within a day i was lifted out of the depression, but now i'm feeling notably unmotivated. My alarm goes off at 8:30 each morning, but i keep hitting snooze till 10 or later because i can't be bothered getting up. I sit down to eat breakfast and read some webpages in the morning, but i can't be bothered having a shower, so i stay on the couch. I can't be bothered working, so all i do for the entire day is randomly click around on the internet. I can't be bothered eating and have to force myself. A good thing is that i also can't be bothered smoking, so i have been doing it less each day and will probably quit tomorrow. The weird thing is that i am entirely content with this utter lack of motivation. The rational part of my brain knows that i need to work, but the emotional part just doesn't care. I'm not sure if this is an improvement. I'm certainly less stressed out and more mellow and perhaps feeling "happier", but it's at the expense of really caring much about anything. It's even an effort to write this entry because it's like... who cares? No one cares, so why bother writing? I could be just as happy lolling around on the couch doing nothing.

This is a completely new sensation for me. Perhaps i've touched on it when drunk or whatever, but i've never felt it all day long. Is this what it's supposed to feel like when you're happy? Surely being happy isn't supposed to stop you from functioning? Today i had my check-in, so i expressed my concern at the lack of motivation. He asked if my emotions were blunted. I said i'm not sure because i am "happier" than before. He asked if i felt like my focus and concentration was less. I said yes, undoubtedly. He seemed pleased with my overall mood and pleasantly surprised with my lowered anxiety. Wellbutrin has a reputation for being "speedy" and anxiety-inducing, but i just feel doped up. I'm not sure if i like it, but i have to say that for once i'm not feeling depressed and even when i think about things that normally shatter me i'm fine. I've decided to try continue till next Monday to see if my focus comes back. If nothing else i might have quit smoking by then and made it past this wedding without freaking out.

I'm just a tiny bit scared about feeling so different from "normal".

And i want to get a full day's work done.

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