amw (amw) wrote,

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acceptance speech

I actually had a little tear in my eye this morning as i walked out of my psychiatrist's office. It's the last time i'll see him because he's going back to Saudi Arabia next week. He is by far the best psychiatrist i've ever had. He took the time to get to know me properly, he saw me regularly, he made sure to ask each time how all my medications were going, he never pushed me into taking a cocktail... Now he's gone i have to go back to the "standard" psychiatrist relationship in Canada, which means only getting a referral when you are in crisis or when you need to change meds and your family doctor doesn't want to do it. Just thinking about going through that hellish process of getting a referral and sitting in waiting lists gives me anxiety, so i hope i won't need to go back any time soon.

That's one of the reasons i started looking for work. With Dr A and my last remaining connection to that clinic gone, i don't have the same support network. I can't keep trying different drugs or know that there's someone to catch me if everything falls apart. I have to go back to the old standby of using my job to create structure and stability in my life. It's not a bad thing. A job will get me socializing more and it will give me the money to feel free again too. And in two weeks it will all be happening.

The last few weeks have been completely crazy with interviews, phone calls and emails. I did have to face one of those awful technical interview questions where i was asked to come up with a sorting algorithm. I failed it horribly, and didn't feel great about my chances... until i got an email from them just before leaving for NYC asking for my references. So i sent those off and went on vacation feeling much more optimistic. On the Wednesday after we got back i received a job offer. I didn't want to accept it straight away because i still needed to talk to my current client/boss about the transition plan, but Thursday evening i went ahead. Friday morning they got back to me saying all was good and to call back Monday to confirm a time to sign the contract. It still didn't really feel real till i got a LinkedIn invitation to connect from a "colleague" at the new company. I've been holding back on posting anything about it till i sign the paper, but whatever. I've already withdrawn myself from consideration at all the other jobs where i was getting to the reference-checking stage, so...

The job itself is in a pretty interesting area of IT. It's not doing banking/finance software, thank God. It's also not a start-up. It's just a quietly profitable Toronto company that has a very small slice of the pie in a particular IS management niche. At first i was concerned that the technologies they use aren't really very popular so i wouldn't get much resume fodder out of my time there, but then i thought fuck it. The dress code is casual. The office is in a nice location for restaurants and coffee shops (though admittedly almost an hour from home). The company encourages drinks and social events etc. I enjoyed chatting with the guys who interviewed me. These things are more important. The pay is about a 10% cut from what i was earning in Australia, but a huge step up from where i'm at now. I get three weeks vacation, and health insurance. Most importantly i'll be interacting with people daily and forcing myself to keep my shit together.

My biggest worry is how i'm going to get up in the morning. Seriously, of everything that encompasses starting a new job - that is what's making me anxious. For over 2.5 years i haven't had to wake up early for work. Even the days i get up "early" (i.e. before 9) i tend to spend a few hours groggily getting my head in the game before i do any real work. This morning my alarm went off at 7 and i managed to pull myself out of bed for 7:30, but even though i had plenty of time to eat breakfast, shower etc it took me almost 1.5 hours to get that done and crawl out to see my doctor. And now it's almost 1 and i'm only just getting awake enough to really start work. I have no fucking idea how i'm going to get my ass out of the house before 8 every morning and be productive for 8 hours starting at 9am. That shit is terrifying. But i guess i did it once upon a time so i must be able to do it again.

Other than the anxiety around waking up i am pretty chilled about the whole thing. I just can't wait to be earning money again. I'm trying not to think about the fact that i'm going back to that meaningless existence of a 9-5 office worker. I guess it's not like i was really achieving much of consequence in my theoretically-but-not-actually freewheeling self-employed lifestyle either, so whatever. It seems my life is destined to be mostly dull.
Tags: career

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