amw (amw) wrote,

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that old grind

I've been away in work land for weeks. I miss updating my journal the way i could over the last couple years. I am very much back to the old habit of working myself to exhaustion then kicking back and trying to squeeze in every second of relaxation till i do it all over again. I can't do a half-assed job at work because it causes me anxiety when i know i didn't put in 110%. I push it as hard as i can in the office so (paradoxically?) i can relax more at home.

But all i do is relax. I stopped reading books on my Kindle around when i started full-time work. I more-or-less stopped updating my journal. I'm hardly emailing anyone. I'm reading my blogs on the morning commute and watching TV shows in the evenings and doing chores on the weekend. That's about it.

I'm beginning to go out again. Last week i had my first after work drinks. It was a going-away thing for someone i didn't know, but i went anyway. I didn't realize all the drinks were going to be on the company so i ended up very drunk for free. Once the CEO left, a bunch of us stayed on for "a couple more rounds". When another colleague showed up who knew the bartender we continued getting free drinks for the rest of the night. I think i got home just before 4am. I woke up the next morning at 7am still drunk as fuck. I haven't done that since leaving Australia. Still, work is work so i went in feeling awful and i put in the hours and fixed a bunch of bugs. Fortunately i didn't embarrass myself, i don't think. I'm glad i got to let my hair down a bit, even if it wasn't at a nightclub.

A part of me always feels a bit guilty when i go out and party hard. I think it's a combination of knowing my specialists don't like me doing it and it having caused problems in my previous relationships. Also, even though J has said she's totally okay with it, sometimes i do feel like i'm disappointing her by getting wasted when she is over 2 years clean and sober. The thing is, the more balanced times in my life do seem to coincide with when i work and play the hardest. Once i start slacking off in my job or denying myself fun then i get anxious or depressed or resentful and it spirals off God knows where. I dunno, i'm sure to you all it sounds like i'm kidding myself. I just want to live, though. I've spent most of the last few years as if in a dream, and finally i can actually feel like life is really happening again. I am fucking exhausted by it all but at least it's tangible, it's real. I don't want to give that up.

I guess i should go make myself some dinner...

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