amw (amw) wrote,

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free night

I love getting home at 3:30 and being able to chuck some bacon on, drink a coffee, chill out. I am drunk, though not so ridiculously drunk i can't type, yet still too drunk to sleep until i've had a bit of food and drink. These are the times i really miss being single, or at least having my own place. J is away at her parents' house tonight, which was an unexpected surprise. I wasn't even intending to stay out late. My work had a gaming night as a social club thing and afterwards, because i'd received the text message about J not coming home, i decided to go out. Drinking to last call and heading home at 3 isn't really much compared to my more extravagant weekend escapades, but nonetheless, it's more than i do most weeknights. And it is SO nice to not feel guilty about stumbling in the front door and hanging out on my computer before i go to bed.

Last weekend a friend and i decided to go on an Ableton course. I've been on and off with trying to make music since around 99ish, and there are times i've gotten so frustrated and depressed that i can't seem to come up with anything any more. I've blamed it on everything from starting full-time work to deciding i was transsexual and it all sounds like weak excuses. And yet i continue to do nothing, even though making music was one of the things that made me happiest as a teenager. I'm hoping that taking a course is going to inspire me to pick it up again. I know i could learn all this software on my own if i really tried, but even when i had 18 months off work i couldn't do it, so perhaps just having the weekly commitment is something that will push me to the point i need to be. It'd also be cool to work together with someone for the first time in my life. M and i have slightly different tastes in music and definitely different ideas on how to approach composing, but i think it'll be kinda cool to see how that works. First day is tomorrow, so hopefully i won't be too hungover.

The other thing i've been considering is moving out of this place. At first i didn't want to do it because from next month i'll be paying full rent due to J's student loan running out. That'll already be a double rent hike for me, so going higher again seems kinda silly. On the other hand, we're only paying $800 per month at the moment, which is ridiculously low considering we get gas/electric included and the place is relatively large for a one bedroom. The thing is... our landlord is still hopeless. We only paid February's rent a few days ago because although we had the check she just wasn't around to accept it all month. The fan in our bathroom is still broken. The key to open the front door is jamming. When we rent cars she says we can park in the driveway, but she's also promised the driveway to a bunch of neighbors who live up and down the street so they get pissy and leave abusive notes on our windshield if we take "their" spots. Fuck, we don't always get hot water because the people upstairs (who share our tank) are showering or washing dishes or doing laundry. And worst of all, we can't do our own fucking laundry any more because the laundromat on the corner closed down. I had to rent a car last week just to drive to the laundromat. Fucking ugh. So yeah, it's time.

Unfortunately it's also a tough time because J is crazy busy with school, and last weekend her grandmother had a heart attack. She's been going up and down all week in a rental, staying at the hospital and this and that. I'm doing my best to be supportive for her, even though it's hard for me because my family isn't close like that so i'm not really able to empathize. Also my work continues to be filled with politics and bullshit and it is stressing me out and making me so angry all i want to do is fly away. Of course i keep at it because i'm good at it and i need the money and without it i wouldn't be able to enjoy the rest of my life, but it is taking a serious toll. Not an easy time to look for a new place, but i guess no time ever will be. So whatever.

Anywho. 4am. Should probably sleep considering i'm supposed to be going to a course tomorrow, and actually one that i really want to do. So i will shut up now. So much more to talk about, but it's stuff i'd rather talk about than journal about. Miss my friends, though happy i'm getting a few here now too. I do need to smoke less however. Especially on the weekend. Fuck me.

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