tiredAdmittedly the promotion isn't really a promotion in the way most people would see it. Since our manager left our team has felt a little aimless, and our director is too far removed to really provide the day-to-day guidance we need. He talked about promoting a team lead a while back, and i recommended someone who's been with the company for a while and has a lot of respect in the team. It seems negotiations with that person fell through because they weren't offering shit for money, so the next choice was me. My guess is he is on the verge of quitting anyway. I, on the other hand, had resolved to stay here a while before moving on, so taking a promotion with fuck all salary bump was worthwhile. It looks good on my resume, and if i can improve the work experience of the team too then that's a bonus. I'm trying to get them a bit more on the same page and talk to the director about the things that are bothering them that they won't raise with him themselves. So i'm doing a bunch more work for not even a 10% pay raise. But whatever. At least i'm back in the 90s club again.
So i am exhausted. Work is kicking my ass. J has finished school and is looking for work, and also trying to coordinate all the move stuff to take the pressure off me. That's kinda hard because i like to be in control when it comes to this kind of thing, but i'm doing my best to just let go. Our house is full of boxes and bags of trash. I'm purging shit again because i feel so weighed down and trapped right now. Moving is always a good opportunity to get rid of stuff that you never use or don't care about. I've learned to be a bit more careful about throwing out things that are memories (i did a lot of that when i was a teenager, and regretted it), but there is a balance too. The more shit i own, the less free i feel, and the less free i feel, the less happy i am. I like the sense that if it all came down to it i could pack my shit up in storage and just leave on no notice. I might never actually do it, but i want to feel like i could. Without that i feel stuck and i get anxious and depressed.
My weekends are my "free" times. Now i have a little group of friends i'm going out pretty much every weekend, for at least one night, sometimes two. It does mean less time at home with J, but it also means i'm doing stuff i really enjoy and i've missed so desperately for so long. I'm discovering so much new music, getting to dance and laugh and act the fool in ways that i can't always do with her, and it makes up for feeling so stressed during the week. I still love her very much and love spending time with her, but it's another balancing exercise. I don't know if i can live that life where all i have is my partner, i think i've fallen into that at times before and it didn't work out well. Also i hate couples stuff. And family stuff. Cooking dinner together and kicking back to watch Netflix or chat about our day, that sort of thing makes me happy and that's all i want. I hope it's enough for her too.
There's lots more little interesting and insightful stuff that's happened in the last few weeks, but everything has been so crazy i've kinda lost track. It's all i can do to keep my life balanced how it is. But as frenetic and exhausting as my life is right now, i'd rather have it this way than the painful dullness that left me way too wrapped up in my own head like the last couple years. I know i'm neglecting some of my friends and family who aren't close by, but i hope they get that this is keeping me more together than i've been in a while. Haven't burned out yet. Maybe i'm slowly getting the hang of this. Or maybe it'll all come apart in tears, but at least it'll be a fun ride.
