amw (amw) wrote,

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brain like a pinball

Shit has been hectic. I left off where we were hanging out waiting for approval for an apartment. I got a call back only to hear them tell me that i would need to get a guarantor due to the fact that i have only been working in my current position for 8 months. Seriously? My freelance work beforehand doesn't count? They had enough information on me anyways i had no qualms about offering up my tax return for last year that shows i made above the median salary, but no dice. I even told them i had enough cash in the bank to pay for the entire year (i've been saving mercilessly since getting work so that i have a safety net), but that wouldn't fly either unless i gave them the entire year (!) up-front. It was beyond humiliating to be treated like a credit risk when i've been paying my own way for the better part of 15 years. I was absolutely infuriated and it took everything i had not to scream down the phone at them. J just wanted to let the place go, but then i got scared because i guessed this had less to do with my time in my current position and more to do with my lack of a credit history in Canada. I didn't want to end up with the same problem again a couple weeks later at a new place. After a lot of push-back from me, eventually i relented to letting J's dad sign up as a guarantor. I still feel sick to the stomach over that because now it's yet another person i'm on the hook to, and yet more obligation i have to someone when all i want is to be free. We got the place, so i guess i shouldn't be upset. I'm just trying to push away that sense of being beholden to J's family and the utter humiliation of being told my "1%" salary isn't good enough to rent a $1200 apartment. To add insult to injury, i got a promotion the day before i signed as well.

Admittedly the promotion isn't really a promotion in the way most people would see it. Since our manager left our team has felt a little aimless, and our director is too far removed to really provide the day-to-day guidance we need. He talked about promoting a team lead a while back, and i recommended someone who's been with the company for a while and has a lot of respect in the team. It seems negotiations with that person fell through because they weren't offering shit for money, so the next choice was me. My guess is he is on the verge of quitting anyway. I, on the other hand, had resolved to stay here a while before moving on, so taking a promotion with fuck all salary bump was worthwhile. It looks good on my resume, and if i can improve the work experience of the team too then that's a bonus. I'm trying to get them a bit more on the same page and talk to the director about the things that are bothering them that they won't raise with him themselves. So i'm doing a bunch more work for not even a 10% pay raise. But whatever. At least i'm back in the 90s club again.

So i am exhausted. Work is kicking my ass. J has finished school and is looking for work, and also trying to coordinate all the move stuff to take the pressure off me. That's kinda hard because i like to be in control when it comes to this kind of thing, but i'm doing my best to just let go. Our house is full of boxes and bags of trash. I'm purging shit again because i feel so weighed down and trapped right now. Moving is always a good opportunity to get rid of stuff that you never use or don't care about. I've learned to be a bit more careful about throwing out things that are memories (i did a lot of that when i was a teenager, and regretted it), but there is a balance too. The more shit i own, the less free i feel, and the less free i feel, the less happy i am. I like the sense that if it all came down to it i could pack my shit up in storage and just leave on no notice. I might never actually do it, but i want to feel like i could. Without that i feel stuck and i get anxious and depressed.

My weekends are my "free" times. Now i have a little group of friends i'm going out pretty much every weekend, for at least one night, sometimes two. It does mean less time at home with J, but it also means i'm doing stuff i really enjoy and i've missed so desperately for so long. I'm discovering so much new music, getting to dance and laugh and act the fool in ways that i can't always do with her, and it makes up for feeling so stressed during the week. I still love her very much and love spending time with her, but it's another balancing exercise. I don't know if i can live that life where all i have is my partner, i think i've fallen into that at times before and it didn't work out well. Also i hate couples stuff. And family stuff. Cooking dinner together and kicking back to watch Netflix or chat about our day, that sort of thing makes me happy and that's all i want. I hope it's enough for her too.

There's lots more little interesting and insightful stuff that's happened in the last few weeks, but everything has been so crazy i've kinda lost track. It's all i can do to keep my life balanced how it is. But as frenetic and exhausting as my life is right now, i'd rather have it this way than the painful dullness that left me way too wrapped up in my own head like the last couple years. I know i'm neglecting some of my friends and family who aren't close by, but i hope they get that this is keeping me more together than i've been in a while. Haven't burned out yet. Maybe i'm slowly getting the hang of this. Or maybe it'll all come apart in tears, but at least it'll be a fun ride.

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