April 6th, 2005

on the res

This place...

It feels all empty now. I used to write here as a way of obliquely writing to T, and a place to get stuff off my chest. It's weird but i feel like i can't write here any more now. Or maybe just not about anything and everything.

I'm tired. Things were very emotional around my last entry for a while, and then next thing i knew i was whisked off to Canberra for work, went to Sydney to see mom for the first time in 2 years (first time spending more than an hour with her for 3-4 years!) Got back here, one of my colleagues quit and i've been taking up a lot of the slack. I'm working way too hard and perhaps partying too hard on the weekends, or perhaps not. Perhaps i need it. It's such a strange feeling losing someone who's been so much a part of your life for 5 years or more... But the distance and the whole situation just pushed me over the edge. I couldn't deal with it any more and i fucked it up. As usual.

I did a budget over Easter. Figured out it's going to take me 18 months to pay off my credit cards assuming no other expenses come up. That's paying in $500+ per month and only having $90 per week play money (i.e. clothes and parties and take-out dinners and inner city parking and cab fares). I have to cut down on cigarettes and maybe beer (good luck) and gas and cabs and things. 18 fucking months man. 18 months before i can even HOPE to save any money, and that's assuming i don't move house and i don't charge anything new to the cards. Fuck.

I do want to move house. I've been living here as sort of an in-between place because i kept dreaming of going back to America, but now aside from how things have gone with T i realize there's no way i could even financially plan for it for another 2 years at least. And by then fuck knows where i'll be. I'd love to move closer to the city, this is the furthest away i've ever lived, it's like 10 minutes drive from downtown, 20 minutes in traffic. All i have in walking distance is a comic store, 7/11, Chinese takeout, Burger King and grocery store. I'd love a proper house with a balcony again, none of this living opposite dickheads with yards and lawnmowers again. Cheapest inner city apartments are around $250 for a 1-bedroom, which is fully sweet, hey. I'm paying $100 here sharing and though i could afford $250, it'd seriously screw up my credit card payments. So we'll see. Maybe end of this year, i dunno.

I've planned my 2 weeks off. Starting April 25 i am not going to even fucking THINK about work. So fucking over it, hey. I'm taking April 18 off too because i'm going to my first big party in ages. Planning to get utterly off my face and just disappear into my little raver hole for a weekend. Been lots of weekends out clubbing and house parties and this and that but nothing like going back to the old Arena and getting messy with a thousand people you don't know but have met a million times.

Things that have been annoying me? Bullshit fucking 3am lockdown at nightclubs here. I've signed the petition and made a lot of noise to friends, colleagues, everyone about it. It's not going to change, that's what we get for having a bunch of fascists in state government, but oh well. Fines being put into action for smoking in various public places. Fucking wrestling is no longer being shown in the evenings, it's on Saturday and Sunday afternoons when i'm not home. Work. Work has been annoying me, but that's nothing new.

I'm thinking of quitting my job. Not right now, but certainly at some point. I want to do something different, something not IT. If i'm not aiming to move to America any more then i don't need to keep pushing myself in this career path that kills me inside. A lot of priorities are changing. It's been two months of lots of change and i've been so busy and out and about it's like everything is flying by and i can't even see any more it's all a blur.

So here i am Wednesday night drinking beers again. Gonna get pissed so i forget about staying late at work again. Talk codshit to my roommate when he gets home. Watch Battlestar Galactica. Sleep. Wonder about where my life is going and then shrug and let go. Fuck it all right now. Fuck it all hey.