August 21st, 2005

on the res

email sucks

I hate email. I don't really hate it. I just don't get it any more. No, yeah, i hate it. Once upon a time i was on a bunch of high-traffic mailing lists, i'd get hundreds of emails a day and post replies and email friends and family and all sorts and i enjoyed it. But something happened to me when i started working in IT. I stopped enjoying "doing" email.

The only person i've emailed seriously on a regular basis in the last 5 years or so is T, and now that's gone. All my other regular emails are just 2-liners i send to mates during work hours as a substitute for instant messaging. I can't handle sitting in front of the PC focussing on an email for any length of time any more. It's hard enough to focus on a journal entry or a web forum post, and at least with those things you can just do it whenever you want and spout whatever drivel comes to mind - it doesn't need to be a timely personal reply and it doesn't need to be thought out. Too tired to think. Too over staring at a computer screen and typing on a keyboard. I want that passive entertainment, i want to be a fucking couch potato. I want my beer and my nachos and my remote control yanno.

I'm plenty sociable. I've still got passions. I love going out and i love having real-life chats and i love listening to music and watching movies and all those things. But i've lost the urge to create, to really think about and prepare an email. I've lost the urge to write music, the urge to rearrange my room and all those little creative things. Work doesn't necessarily drain my physical energy, it just sucks out all my creative drive.

The last gift T gave me was a book that tries to help nurture creativity, and i keep putting off reading it because it needs a 3-month commitment. There's always something coming up - work getting crazy or a uni project or next weekend a conference i'm attending or this or that... And i really need to just do it i think. My work situation isn't going to magically change overnight, and as much as i'm enjoying life it does kinda bother me that i don't create as much as i used to. I feel very old sometimes.

I wonder if people working in a factory doing the same boring crap day in day out get like this. Maybe they come home so physically exhausted they can barely move but still have enough of their brain intact they can write something. IT is fucking soul destroying.