August 26th, 2009

on the res

yes no wait what?

Today didn't make a lot of sense. I think i wrote in three different places already so i will write here that things aren't letting up and every now and then i step outside and it's like yup, still nuts. Breathe some more please. You breathe and try to get up but pass out instead. When it is time to sleep suddenly your mind doesn't want to cooperate any more. Like this morning i was going to do laundry but first i just had to write that email, and get all the dust out from that pile of cables in the corner, and wipe the counter down on the way, guess i should put the dishes away, wow that was oddly erotic, wait, what was i doing again? Actually the cleaning turned out to be a good thing because we got a surprise guest for dinner. I made it through well, considering. I have to watch myself times like this, it's hard enough for J to put up with me as it is.

There was this funny thing i wrote back in 2007 in my morning journal. I skimmed it earlier today because i was doing stretches and noticed the books sitting there and of course i had to pick one up. They were in the wrong order, you see, somehow i could tell. And i read page after page of my own writing going "hey i know i'm going out a lot and getting drunk all the time and i'm bursting with confidence and usually that's a bad sign but this time it's so under control, this time i know exactly what's going on and it's just me being me and it's healthy" and on and on i went. And there's no doubt i had a lot of fun and i didn't bankrupt myself, i didn't get arrested or get an STD or OD or any of a hundred possible worst case scenarios... But reading it today i'm like wait a second, how many more entries are going to start off "so, i'm really fucking hungover and i barely slept..."

So later on i stepped out of that mystery canoe i was in and it's like, okay, what is it this time around that seems like it's perfectly logical and under control but actually i'm making a mess of things? Heh. And you know it's not always a complete disaster these days because i do actually have my shit a million times more together than 5 or 10 years ago, but there's bound to be one thing or another that you only really notice after the fact. It's like Christmas, you never know what you're gonna get. Except when you do. Speaking of which, i got a Souhail Kaspar CD in the mail. I was going to write an entry on drumming but i guess that didn't happen. Hey, you got two angst-free entries in a row, i was due some rambling. Now if only my brain would shut the fuck up, it's like reading this journal all jumbled up and multi-tracked in fast-forward.

Tomorrow i have therapy, lunch with my wife and then a meeting with my lawyer. Doesn't that sound fabulously yuppieish? Hah! If only my income would reflect it, then i could run around spending money on frivolous shit too. See how far i've come? That's me, Ms Fiscal Responsibility. Ugh. I still hate honorifics. You know i could avoid the whole damn situation by becoming a doctor. Or president! I will start my campaign by drinking a Diet Coke at 1am.
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    Blondie - Accidents Never Happen
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on the res


Last night i dreamt of two cats i haven't seen for years. In my dream i had adopted them and i was brushing them. For some reason A had gotten himself all muddy, i think he was in a shitty mood and wanted to me to suffer a bit. I was pointing out the quirks of their personalities to J (who hates cats) and she was being all grumbly about it, like why do we have to look after them anyway bla bla bla. Anywho after i woke up i thought nothing more of it till just now when J went out for a smoke and just came in and told me about two strays out in the yard, and when she described them they were exactly the same. Spookeh.
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    calm calm