When you are depressed it's like somehow your heart is endlessly deep with sorrow, you cry and then you stop and breathe and then the ground gives way and you're awash again. For some it's constant. For me eventually it passes, after a few weeks, or perhaps months, then the ride takes a turn the other way, slamming my body against the seat as it dips and rises. But something that never ceases to confound me is how sometimes even when i'm not depressed my brain plumbs deep into my heart and starts a flow of tears that can't, won't stop. The feelings just won't go away. I laugh and cry at the same time because it's so hopeless, like watching our hero walk straight into the trap we knew was waiting.
But you know the story - the hero always overcomes and always saves the girl.
My jaw hurts. The last few hours the pain has been working its way through my skull and now i have a pretty severe headache too. I have been grinding my teeth more again lately. Earlier this year J's dentist said she had serious TM joint inflammation and it made me realize how lucky i've been not to damage anything besides my teeth yet. I am trying to keep it relaxed.
I'm a little tight today all over, though. As usual my grand plans of last week came to a crashing halt when my body just gave out on me. I am conscious to try avoid doing too many things, but i forget i can't even do a few things if i push too hard. Staying up all odd hours and reading and practicing and thinking and feeling all the time can be unsustainable... But i don't want to sit around moping either. I refuse to let myself fall down that hole. If it's gonna take me it's gonna have to try harder than giving me a throat ache, getting me sick and making me pass out by midnight for a few nights. So yesterday i pushed through it and went boxing.
It was stop number two in my journey around different martial arts. My first was an obscure Russian martial arts school in my area. They had a very unique warm up and some brutal sparring moves, but the internal (tai chi-style) approach left me with the sense it wasn't going to be very practical. It did pique my interest in grappling, though, until i learned you need to buy a uniform to train in most grappling arts. So what's a broke ass motherfucker to do? Buy cheap hand wraps and try the local boxing club, is what. It was a lot more fun than i thought it would be - a very solid workout with a mix of cardio, core strength and coordination exercises... plus you get to hit stuff really hard. But today i am feeling it, wow.
I managed to do groceries, only to get home and find we only have 3 cans of coke left. Normally walking home with two 12 packs is no problem, but today? I need to man up. Tonight i am making burgers and fries for dinner, and you can't have an all-American meal like that without coke, damnit. Also i will pass out before midnight again if i don't, and we wouldn't want that. Whenever would i do all that really important stuff i do in the night? Like... you know... read up on all the places i could go or things i could do that i can't afford. Heh.