September 15th, 2010

on the res

i'm a broken record

Three days running now i've slept 12-13 hours. I'm waking up when everyone else is getting lunch. It's pissing me off and i don't know what to do about it. For about the first hour after i get up i'm cranky because i woke up late, then i jump straight into work - part-time, mind you - and then it's the evening ritual, whether boxing class or dinner and so forth. There's no gap for "me time". There's barely time for me to get chores done, much less practice my drumming or do anything creative or try pursue other interests. Tomorrow i'll have another bitch session with my psych and no doubt he'll raise my Depakote to 1500mg and drop the Zyprexa to 5mg. I'm not holding out much hope for an improvement. I'm really getting tired of only having half a day. Meanwhile one half of my brain is going chill out, if you could be doing more you would, this is just where you're at right now... But i don't want to listen to that part because it sounds too much like giving up. What's the difference between peacefully accepting the way things are and listlessly resigning yourself to it? I need me some fucking Buddha right now because this isn't working. I'm just so angry. It's not like i want to be working 9 to 5 in some soul-destroying job again, i just want to know i could if i had to. Because soon i may have to. The money for this contract will be up in about a month and somehow i'm going to have to find a way to support myself - and J, who is living off a meager student loan. Therapist said i shouldn't worry about tomorrow, how i should cross that bridge when i get to it, whatever. But there's still today, i want my days back today, damnit. This whole year has been a struggle and it's wearing me out. I'm just so tired of it all. Maybe that's why i'm sleeping so much.