It sucks when you just wake up in tears and it's like nothing will stop it. I wish i knew why i'm so fragile sometimes. We're going to Boston on Thursday morning. Last night J did my hair. I feel like a bit of a diva each time - i taught her how to do hair to save me money at the salon and although it frustrates her she's stuck with it for over a year now. It's probably the last time i'm bleaching and going so white. I only used 10 volume on the toner and probably should've gone 20, but my hair needs a break anyway. Before the roots come out again i think i will tone darker. Sometime soon i might go red again. I always felt the most beautiful when i had long red hair. I've been varying degrees of short since 2006 and blonde since 2008 so i think it's time. I kinda want to look pretty again. Right now my hair is in that weird place where i can't tie it back but it's long enough to look a mess all the time. Maybe we will get some good photos on vacation anyway. I haven't had any good photos taken of me in a long fucking time. I haven't taken any photos myself either, outside of the Santa Claus parade just gone. I miss taking photos. I miss music too. I haven't written music since i was 19. I haven't bought music for a few years now. I don't have the money. Also a lot of the underground music i like is only sold digitally now and i feel kinda cheated if i pay money and don't have a CD to show for it. That's probably why most of my music post-2005 is pop. I think i'd be more likely to buy into the digital revolution if i had a stereo that could play the files, if i had a good backup system to save them, all that. More money. We still haven't put up the Christmas tree because December was so sucky to date. Also the place where we had the tree last year has now got a printer so J can print her school stuff. There's no empty space in this apartment. It's very small. More money. But it is home. The city is home too. I think about it when i go out to smoke at night. Yes, i've officially un-quit. Our neighborhood is quiet and residential, but there's still the buzz of the subways and the freeways and high-rises. I do like it here, even if it's not where i see my long-term future. Not that i really know where that is anyway. Perhaps i'll never be happy anywhere. Ah yes, now i remember why i was crying this morning. Destined to never be completely happy any more, that was it. One day i'll grow up. Heh.