February 14th, 2011

on the res


La la la. Talk about anything to not talk about the one thing. I should go on Chatroulette. I kinda hoped to sleep through the whole day, but i guess olanzapine has its limits. I really would like to go back under the covers and hibernate anyway but unfortunately i have to get groceries. I should probably also work, although it's the last thing i want to do. Yesterday i stepped down to two cigarettes and i'm not sure that was the best choice of day. But there will always be things, you just grit your teeth and keep doing what's right. I don't know sometimes what's right. It all feels very ethereal.
  • Current Mood
    uncomfortable uncomfortable
on the res

but then

A walk through the cold wind can blow some sense into me. Or sensation, at least. I like the feeling of wind whipping my hair about. I like our neighborhood grocery store. I like fruit. And fruit juice. They call it a smoothie here if it's 100% fruit. I like smoothies. I like Diet Coke too - and junk food, although i rarely buy it. I like potato chips and chocolate. I like fast food. I especially like spicy chicken sandwiches. I've probably only had fast food a handful of times since coming to Canada. No money, you see. But i like having no money too sometimes. It makes me rethink what's important.

I like having a pre-paid cellphone. I like dumbphones. But i like modern gadgets too. I like things that let me take more of my life with me. I like the idea of becoming a nomad. I like to look at pictures of far-off places. I like to dream. I like to read about the world. I like to read in general. Stories about the nature of reality i like best, about moods and thoughts and the world inside. Or wild places, times that don't exist yet, new wars yet to be fought. I like visual media that paints these fantastic worlds. I like watching TV shows where the characters' true intentions are constantly under threat of being discovered. I like secrets. I like openness too. I like freedom.

I like pretty things. Little trinkets and and baubles, kitschy and fine. I don't hold on to many but those i do make me smile. I like to smile. I like flowers. I like the smell of cookies in the oven. I like to cook. I like to create. I like to write. I write in silence too often. I like the silence, but i like music too. I like instrumental music, or music with vocalists who have a keen sense of rhythm, who sing like an instrument. I like a good beat, i like to dance! When i am alone sometimes i still do. I miss going out to dance. It's one of the few constants i've had since i was a teenager. I like having a thread that goes backwards and forwards too. I like good memories. I like to cry, sometimes.

I like snowflakes. I like sun. I like when it rains. I guess i like a lot of different things that don't go together. I like saxophones and synthesizers. They used to go together once upon a time. And eyeliner. I definitely like that. I can get lost in glamorous eyes. I also like sequins. And long earrings too. I can't wear piercings because my body hates metal. But i like bitchin' guitar riffs. I like that i'm growing my hair longer again. I am trying to like me again. I do like me. I don't know.
  • Current Music
    Rune - Calabria