March 1st, 2011

on the res


This is the second day i am sitting around doing a whole lot of nothing. My boss has been AWOL and i have no work assigned. It must be weighing heavily on me because last night i dreamt about it. Usually my dreams involve me being in the military or being some kind of lone action hero, fighting for something, trying to find cover, infiltrating a target, that sort of thing. I also dream about haunted houses. Either way, the dreams very rarely feature anything or anyone from my "real" life. Last night i walked into a health clinic for a check-up and the receptionist suggested i attend an information session to become an orderly. I must have told her that i wasn't getting enough hours in my job to survive. I remember feeling an almost suffocating pressure to find work...

That's going to be the reality in a month or so if i don't get more hours. I've already sent an email letting my boss know that i might need to look for other work... even if it's just working at a 7/11 you know. I can't even grasp how i'm going to swing that given i'm still getting up after 1pm every day. Some kind of night shift, fuck, i don't know. I'm such a mess at the moment, i feel like i'm failing everyone. I'm sure that says something fucked up about me that i seem to judge my worth as a person by how capable i am of doing a "normal" job. I don't hold anyone else to those standards but for me, oh for me i need to be able to work or i'm a failure. It probably doesn't help that i managed it for so many years; i keep comparing me to a younger me and i'm coming up short.

I don't know what's different. Maybe i have changed. Maybe something did happen to me when i got to Canada. Something snapped. Perhaps it had been building a while. I can't define me by my job any more. Or something. I wake up every morning with this battle raging in my head, wondering why i'm here, what my purpose is. I don't remember it being like this, not since... Yeah. It never really felt right, though, that day-in, day-out routine. But this, this feels more like me in a way, but i don't feel proud of it. I wish i could find words to explain it.
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on the res


So i found a record of my 1998 philosophy course being marked as "incomplete", not failed. I'm not sure if i can have that count as "withdrawn". I also found an old results certificate from 2000 showing i got a 44 (fail) for one of the two IT courses they now have listed as a fail. I don't even remember taking that course. God knows what happened with the other one. I don't remember a whole lot of anything from back then. If i'd had my shit together and just finished my degree in 2001 like i was on-track to do things might have turned out different. I have a feeling it was all getting too much by the end of 2000, though, working full-time and taking a full-time study load at the same time. I was disintegrating well before my breakdown in 2001. Of course i then picked it all up again in 2004, but i guess that's how my moods go. You know then all of a sudden you can take on anything. Right up until it falls apart anyway. It's been a while since i felt like that. More often i just get paranoid and want to act out, i skip that quasi-productive middle bit. Or i stay here in the doldrums realizing just how many things i fucked up in the past have ended up affecting all my options today.