June 25th, 2011

on the res

beating the anxiety

Thursday night and most of yesterday i spent grinding my teeth and generally fighting off anxiety around people coming over for dinner. I know when it comes down to it that i can always deal with people, like i can be friendly and sociable and whatever, but i just feel uncomfortable being forced into that situation. I don't like having anyone invade my personal space unless i'm very comfortable with them, and even then usually i prefer to meet in a neutral space. In this case it was J's sister and boyfriend, plus the couple whose wedding we are attending in a few weeks. I don't really feel comfortable with any of them and i was just stressed about the whole thing. But they came and i made dinner and i made conversation and everything was fine like it always is. And i was exhausted at the end like i always am.

The stress continued today with having to buy a top for the wedding. J woke up really sick but didn't trust me to shop alone so she really pushed herself to go out. We must've visited 15 stores, and i didn't even have one anxiety attack. I think i've learned how to just say no before trying something on that i know will make me sick. As expected it was almost impossible to find something nice because anything non-stretch in my size is fitted to a very different body shape and a lot of the stretch things look cheap. Finally we went into a young/hip store that didn't look at all promising and somehow found a top for under $25 that i think will work. Yes, it has lace on the front. It's a simple blood red/scarlet tank that i will dress up with a black pashmina or one of J's work jackets or something. The top itself is a little tight, despite being XL, and i'll have to pull it quite low, so i'll probably wear a matching necklace i haven't worn in years. All in all, pretty successful morning.

We had to come home straight after finding something because J was so sick. I was left to my own thoughts and somehow they took a turn for the worse on the way. I've been holding back tears and circling round the same old things for a couple hours now. I don't really know what to do. Just keep looking for distractions...
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