June 30th, 2011

under the bridge

breaking out

So this is week 5 or 6 of my doctor's experiment in trying to boost me out of the unmotivated mood. Wellbutrin now. Day 1 it made me tired all morning. Day 2 i was completely unmotivated to work and only managed a couple of hours in the evening. Today? Today i just want to curl back up in bed. It's definitely making me sleep longer and giving me more vivid morning dreams. This is precisely the opposite effect it's supposed to have. Apparently my brain is broken and any drug off the rack is just going to make me want to disappear, even more than i already did anyway. Right now he could probably prescribe Ritalin and i doubt it would help. Still, i'll persevere for a week and see what happens.

This weekend is a long weekend and J's friends are all having barbeques i'm invited too. I'm already feeling burnt out because of having people over last week, and next week is the wedding. I can't do it. I feel kinda bad saying no as usual, but my brain, my body can't deal with the stress. It's so exhausting for me to interact with people, especially when i'm not close to them. I don't think it's really an anxiety thing so much as sometimes i physically can't do it because it takes so much out of me.

Then Sunday is the Pride parade, which J suggested we go to, and i can't get excited about that either. I don't know how much of that is my general funk and how much is because i just don't care. I don't really have any pride of my own, because i ended up "gay" by accident. It wasn't this big important realization in my life, it was just a side-effect of a really dumb decision i made when i didn't have my shit together anyway. If anything i'm ashamed of it. I'm a big supporter of gay rights, and have been in and out of the gay club scene for over 10 years, but i always feel like an outsider when it comes to activism. I know the parade doesn't really have much to do with that any more - it's just an excuse for guys to dress up in sequins and dance around in public - but eh. If it's just a parade like any other then i don't feel thrilled to brave the crowds either, eye candy or no. I guess i'll see how i feel come the weekend.

See that's what all this playing around with my drugs is supposed to be fixing. It's supposed to make me want to go out and do random stuff, get into situations where i might meet people... And stop me from finding excuses. But right now i don't care about any of it, i just want to stay in my bundle and watch the days tick by. All i have energy for is my work, and even that... Well i'm here writing a journal entry instead of working, so yeah.
  • Current Mood
    tired tired
under the bridge

well that didn't work

Immediately after posting the last entry i stretched out on the couch and next thing i know the phone is ringing. J was calling me for something but i was too out of it to talk. I'd just slept 2 hours, once again lost swirling in the midst of weird and vivid dreams. This is not working out.