amw (amw) wrote,

...and so it hits...

That depression. Day two of four days off. Great, time off, i can relax. And i can also get frustrated it's so fucking hot here, i'm so lonely, i'm so unhappy.

I tried. I did. I woke up feeling pretty crappy in the heat. Had a shower and i was feeling better for a bit, walked into town, bought a ticket for Return of the King, browsed at the comic store, had a drink on the main drag waiting to get in line... Then went to see the movie. And it sucked.

Of course it didn't suck. It was a good movie. But it was disappointing. It reminded me of all the reasons why i never read the books again after the first time. Too much talking about nothing. No pace. No suspense. A terribly anti-climactic ending after having slogged through 1200 pages of said talking about nothing and lack of pace and suspense. After the main battle at the city in the mountain i just wanted it to end already. And i wanted to strangle Sam even more when watching the movie than i did when i read the book. Why did they leave 20 minutes of lame endings in? Why didn't something more interesting happen when they got to the volcano to chuck the ring in? Why did the soldiers ride to Mordor and just stand there outside the gates? Why was there never a showdown with the bad guy?

But oh my God, one of those battlefield flyovers was so good i almost orgasmed right there. Goddamn. The camera followed the path of a catapaulted rock, panning around a beautiful wide landscape, thousands of little soldiers, rock slamming into a huge mountain city, it was breathtaking. I wish there'd been more crazy camerawork like that, but i guess the technology's not there yet. I want panning shots that follow airborne action and give the bigger picture, then seamlessly zoom into a figure or even a single bullet/arrow on the battlefield, slow-motion Matrix-style, pull back out again... and the sounds matching the camera movement... We're getting there, and there are going to be some awesome movies when the computers get to the point they can crunch those numbers quick enough.

Back to the point, though... It was a good movie, but it suffered from sticking too close to the tedious letter of the book. Oh well. What probably made it worse for me was the utter blankness i felt watching it. Last year i watched The Two Towers on Boxing Day. I still had fire then. I had been through a pretty fucked up stage after having just left America, and T, but i was still longing and longing for her every moment of every day. Watching that movie reminded me of when we had watched the first one a year before, and i cried in the theater, alone. This year i just looked at my watch and got frustrated my seat was in the middle so i couldn't take a bathroom break.

All my feelings have been switched off like a light, i've been sad, i've been lonely, i've had some good times and some bad times, but not once have i broken down and cried and cried for hours like i did this time last year. I still love her more than ever, i know that, i still think she is the most wonderful woman in the world, that she is perfection itself... but the emotion is dead. It's blank. Everything is blank. It's the worst form of depression. Too apathetic to even want to bother crying. Or laughing. Or doing anything at all. I hate it. But even that hate is blank. The only thing i feel strongly is frustration that never quite tips over into anger. I hate this. I don't know how to wake up. I will see her in less than a month and i know this will pass, i know it has to... but i don't want to keep living this way after i return. My life is slowly oozing down the drain and i can't snap out of it long enough to stop it, to do something, to be something, to become something. I hate this, i hate it.
Tags: crazy, depression, movies

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